


Empty

by orphan_account



Category: K-pop, LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Eating Disorders, Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Heejin is popular, Hurt/Comfort, Hyunjin is a loner, K-pop References, Mental Health Issues, Popularity, Protective Kim Hyunjin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:53:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 20,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24299908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Heejin is struggling with anorexia, but won't admit it. Hyunjin is paired with her for a project and is starting to suspect something is wrong.OrHeejin is popular, and Hyunjin finds her to be just another mean, shallow fake girl, but then she starts to care.
Relationships: Ha Sooyoung | Yves/Kim Jiwoo | Chuu, Jeon Heejin & Kim Hyunjin, Jeon Heejin/Kim Hyunjin, Park Chaewon | Go Won/Son Hyejoo | Olivia Hye
Comments: 26
Kudos: 278
Collections: Until I see you again





	1. Fine

Heejin walked down the hallways of the school, the words of the kids near her buzzing in her ears. They didn't bother to talk to her, and she didn't mind. Only Heejin's friends would include her, but they weren't really that close, they were friends because of status, nothing more. She sighed, admiting to herself that she was indeed lonely. She could deal with it. It wasn't important, what was important was her image. Heejin smoothed her shirt, nervous, not that she showed it. It was the first day of school, and she was terrified. She hadn't slept, she never could when something important was happening the next day. It was ironic, she could only sleep when she didn't need to be well rested. Heejin turned, walking into the classroom. It was 1st period, english. 

Suck it up Heejin, she told herself.

Suck it up.

-

Hyunjin leaned in her seat, bored. She sat in the very back of the class, she liked it like that, you could see everyone, but they couldn't see you. Right now she was watching Heejin. The girl was laughing with her friends, it made Hyunjin roll her eyes. Popular girls, fake people, Hyunjin couldn't stand them, and this girl was both. She watched as one of the other girl, what was her name, ah yes Sooyoung, whispered loudly to Heejin. 

"Chaeyoung's outfit looks horrid today." 

Heejin laughed. 

Hyunjin grimaced, yes, this girl was definitely not someone she liked. In fact as Hyunjin watched Heejin laugh at the embarrassed girl, she felt something well up in her stomach.

Disgust.

...

Hyunjin was almost asleep when she heard the entire class groan. What now? She thought. She lifted her head up from looking at the floor, and saw the teacher holding out a cup. She tilted her head, inquisitive. The teacher pulled out two, slips of paper. 

"Yerim, and Yeojin." 

Hyunjin smiled, watching the two girls high-five. They were kind of her friends, she was more of a loner, but they had broken down her walls. She still didn't consider them friends though, she found it hard to get attached to people. After all, people only leave you, and she didn't need to deal with that. 

"Hyunjin, and Heejin." 

Hyunjin snapped back from her thoughts, realizing she had zoned off. 

Heejin?

She frowned, this was not good. She looked over at the girl, who was scanning the room for her. Heejin looked right at her, but didn't stop searching the room for her partner. Of course she doesn't know me, Hyunjin thought. She watched as the teacher pulled out more names, 

"Gowon, and Sooyoung." 

Hyunjin smirked as the two girls celebrated, Sooyoung not noticing how Jiwoo looked so disappointed. 

"Jiwoo and Jungeun." 

Jiwoo's bright smile returned, and Hyunjin shook her head, if only her partner was good enough to make her smile like that. Her eyes returned to Heejin, she would just have to make it work.

Somehow.

-

Heejin was glad the school day was over, her stomach hurt. Well, hurt was to mild a word to describe it. It was empty, but instead of just emptiness it ached. The endless hole was filled with pain. She closed her eyes, steadying herself on a nearby locker. She just needed to get home, she would feel better it she rested. Heejin knew that was a lie, but she still let herself believe it. Moving off of the locker, she started walking out of the building, but was stopped by someone grabbing her arm.

"Wait." A girl said, Heejin stared at her trying to remember her name, was it Haseul or Hyewon.

"Who are you?" She asked.

The girl sighed, "Hyunjin."

Oh, it was her partner, she had forgotten about the project. "What do you want?" 

She could sense the girl was bothered by her aloof behavior, and the cold tone showed it when she said "We need to work on our project." 

Heejin rolled her eyes, trying to hide her exhaustion. "Fine, we'll go to your house."

Hyunjin didn't argue, but began to walk away, making Heejin follow her.

...

Heejin felt like she was going to faint, maybe she was, she had before. If she had rested after school she would of felt better, and that was true, slightly. The one thing that would get rid of the pain she refused to do, instead she looked around Hyunjin's room, hoping for a destraction. 

"We need to work." Hyunjin said.

Heejin nodded, "We will." 

"What book do you want to write about?"

Shrugging, she answered "Maybe 'Moby Dick.'" 

"Boring, but ok." Hyunjin said, frowning. Heejin smiled a little, the girl sure frowned a lot, it was cute.

"It's not that boring." She giggled, bopping Hyunjin's nose. 

The frown turned into a small smile, "Yes it is."

-

Maybe Heejin wasn't that bad, in fact maybe she was even nice. The two of them had spent the afternoon together, and Hyunjin had enjoyed it. The girl was anything, but the mean persona she adopted at school. It was kind of shocking to her, she had watched all the students for so long, and Heejin had seemed like the least interesting one. She had seemed plain, stale, shallow. Instead, it seemed the girl was just very good at acting. Hyunjin knew that probably made Heejin fake, and she hated fake people, but the exception to the rule just proves the rule.

And she might be willing to make an exception.

This time.

...

The next day at school during lunch Hyunjin looked for Heejin. She had some questions about the project, or at least that was her excuse. The girl however was nowhere to be seen. 

"Hey!" She called out to Jiwoo, the only popular girl who would hold a civil conversation with her. 

"Hmmm?" The preppy girl asked, her mouth full of food.

"Where's Heejin?" Hyunjin said "I have some questions about the project." 

Jiwoo shrugged, "She always studies somewhere during lunch."

"Thanks." Hyunjin said walking away.

Weird, very weird. 

She had heard of people studying during lunch sometimes, but everyday without fail? Never. They would always stop by the lunchroom at least once. Maybe Jiwoo was exaggerating, she thought to herself. Yes, that was it, Heejin probably just studied a lot. She shouldn't care what the girl was up to anyway they weren't friends.

Heejin was fine just fine. 

-

Heejin was not fine.

In fact she was starving. 

She had skipped lunch like usual, and gone to one of her favorite hangouts, and then it had happened. 

She had fainted.

Pain had shot through, like bullets, and then nothing. Luckily no one had seen her, it would of been hard to explain. Especially to her nosy friends. She rubbed her temple, don't call your Friends nosy Heejin, she told herself. Sighing, she moved slowly up from where she was lying. Her legs trembled, but she ignored it. This had happened before, she was used to it.

Just ignore it Heejin,

Just ignore it.


	2. Harshly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heejin's pain makes her lash out.

She stared at the teacher, watching as she droned on. All she wanted was for it to end, it was all she wanted. She just wanted it to end. She clenched her hand, trying to keep herself from thinking the same thing over and over. Sometimes when the pain was on the worse side of the spectrum she spiraled in thought. All she could think about is making it stop. Making it end. Make it stop! She let out a shuddering breath, quietly, she needed to focus, her friends would notice. She put a fake smile on her face, and tried to listen to Jinsoul gush about some artist. Or was it a actor? She was to tired to care.

"Aren't they cool Heejin?" Sooyoung asked, poking her.

The poke hurt more than it should of. Not eating made you weaker, it made most things hurt. "Yeah!" Heejin giggled "They are!" 

Sooyoung seemed satisfied with her answer, and turned back to Jinsoul. Heejin went back to thinking. She moved her hands over the front of her shirt, trying, and failing to sooth her stomach. A name jerked her out of her thoughts. 

"Hyunjin was looking for you yesterday." Jiwoo said, staring at her.

"When?" 

"Lunch." Jiwoo said, smiling, about to say more, but got distracted by Sooyoung. Heejin wondered when Sooyoung would notice the younger girl's crush. Probably never, she could be dense. Wait, lunch? Her thoughts finally caught up with the outside world, it could be hard to focus on some days, lunch wasn't good, not at all. What if she noticed that Heejin never ate at school, Hyunjin was much more observant than the others, she might see that something was wrong. 

Not that something was.

Not at all.

In fact, everything was fine.

...

She sat down in the library, thankful for the break from walking. Of course she still moved around a lot, she couldn't be lazy, but she didn't like it. It was exhausting, and she was already running on empty. Heejin stared at the ceiling, her vision fuzzed a bit, but she blinked a few times, and it stopped. She wanted to take a nap. Maybe she would. Her head tilted down, and her eyes grew heavy. She was almost asleep when a voice made her jump slightly in her chair.

"There you are." Hyunjin said

Heejin frowned, Hyunjin was nice, but this was a bad time. "What?" She said harshly, a little to harsh.

She could see Hyunjin frown, upset with her mood swings, "We need to work on our project." 

Heejin sighed, fatigue rolling off of it, "Not today, I'm busy, tomorrow." 

Hyunjin nodded, "Why are you so tired?" 

Because I've been starving myself. "I stayed up late."

Hyunjin seemed to take that excuse as the truth, and asked "You comin' to lunch?" 

"No." She said, harshly, and once again it was too harsh.

She was about to apologize, but the girl walked away. Heejin closed her eyes, she just needed to sleep, then she would feel better. 

-

God, did she have to be so rude, Hyunjin thought. She was sitting at a random empty lunch table, Choerry and Yeojin were hanging with Vivi, Hyejoo, and Haseul. Well maybe not Hyejoo, that girl had been AWOL lately. It might have something to do with her and Gowon. They had gotten close lately. Very close. She sighed, why couldn't Heejin of just been civil. She had thought they were becoming friends, or something. She had kind of friends, but she thought it might of been time for a actual friend. Then Heejin had come along, and she was nice, cute, sweet. There must of been something wrong, Hyunjin thought, don't get angry over nothing. She pushed her tray around the table, something was off with Heejin, and she was going to find out what.

...

"Hyunjin turn off the light, and go to bed." Her mom yelled.

She rolled her eyes, but listened, sitting there in the dark thinking. Maybe Heejin was lonely like Hyunjin was. She rolled her eyes, that girl had friends galore, and she was popular. How could she be lonely? She scoffed, it was very unlikely that she was lonely. But, she had said she was tired, so maybe it was just one off day. Everyone had those. Hyunjin smacked her forehead, why did she care.

Maybe you like her?

She laughed, yeah right. Hyunjin never let anyone get close to her, a crush was very rare for her. Very rare. 

But not nonexistent.

Shh, she told her brain, let me sleep. Sleep however, did not come. But worry did. She could tell something was wrong with Heejin. She could see it from how the girl was distant from reality in class. From her mood swings. From how she studied during lunch. From how she had almost fallen asleep in the library. Apart they seemed normal, a singular occurrence, but together it worried her.

It truly did.

...

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

Hyunjin watched the clock, as if her gaze could make time move faster. Needless to say, it didn't. The bell did ring, but it wasn't her gaze that caused it. She liked to think that it was though. Grabbing her bag she jumped up, running outside the school. Heejin was there waiting for her. 

"My house?" Hyunjin asked.

"Sure!"

Hyunjin was relieved to see that Heejin was happy to see her, in fact the girl was smiling brightly at her.

They walked down to the bus stop, Hyunjin didn't have a car, and Heejin said she didn't drive anymore. She wondered why, maybe it had something to do with what was off with the girl. She needed to stop thinking about that, she was being delusional. Suddenly, Heejin grabbed her hand, bringing her back to earth. Hyunjin liked the way it felt, safe, happy, calm.

Perfect.

"You're blushing." Heejin teased.

"It's hot." 

"Really? I'm cold." Heejin said, pulling her jacket tighter around her.

Hyunjin wasn't sure if she was acting or not, and she became more unsure when the girl shiviered slightly. How could she be cold? It wasn't that hot, but it definatly wasn't very cold. Another red flag, but Hyunjin choose to ignore it. She choose to turn towards the girl, and smile. Letting her heart open, letting Heejin in. She choose to let her in, even though she could sense she would get hurt. She almost didn't care.

-

Hyunjin was cute, she would've made Heejin blush, but Heejin was good at hiding her emotions. She didn't need to scare the girl off by making her think she liked her. She didn't, or maybe she did. It was hard to tell. The two of them ran up the stairs to Hyunjin's room, and Heejin plopped down on her bed. 

"Want something to eat?" Hyunjin asked

Heejin froze slightly, but regained composure "No thanks, I just ate." 

"At school? You skipped lunch." 

Crap. "I brought a snack." 

Hyunjin giggled, "Cool, well let's get to work."

Heejin laughed to, even if she didn't know what was funny. She just needed to change the topic, anything but food. Anything.


	3. Happy?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plot.

Hyunjin practically ran down the hallway, it had been a couple days since they last worked on the project, and then the weekend had come. She had missed Heejin, not just missed, but longed for. Not that she'd ever admit that, being her hyundere self. She reached the classroom for English, and sat in her usual spot in the back, but this time instead of observing the entire class, she watched Heejin. The girl, sat down next to her friends, smiling at them. Hyunjin wanted to wave, but she knew that she shouldn't. Sure the cliques weren't as stereotypical as movies portrayed them, but it was an unspoken rule to not bother the popular kids. The thought made her want to wave more, she hated rules. Heejin looked at her, noticing her stare, and then she waved. Hyunjin tried not to looked as shocked as she felt. Slowly, she raised her hand and waved back. 

She could see Sooyoung look at Heejin, confused, but didn't care. The wave had lifted a weight of her chest she didn't even know was there. Today was gonna be a good day.

-

"What was that?" Sooyoung asked, wiping the smile off of Heejin's face, replacing it with a fake one. 

"Nothing." 

Sooyoung rolled her eyes "Just tell me, I won't care."

"There's nothing to tell."

Looking her in the eyes Sooyoung asked "Did you sleep with her?"

"What?" Heejin said "No! Why would you even ask that? Did you sleep with someone?"

"She didn't." Jiwoo said

Heejin looked at the girl, "How do you know?"

"Because."

Sooyoung shot Jiwoo a glance, and Heejin was relieved to see that they didn't want to talk anymore. She liked her friends and all, but she just wanted to sit there. She should probably of been glad for the distraction, her weekend had been horrible. It was much harder to deal with when you were doing nothing. School gave her something to think about, it made it easier to ignore the emptiness. It was hopeless, she knew that, she couldn't ignore it forever. I should eat something today, Heejin thought. She needed to eat every now and then, maybe she could have an apple slice or something, Sooyoung always had some. Her body realized she was going to feed it for once, and it mind could only focus on that. She knew if she didn't eat now she would go mad. She didn't want to eat, she wasn't hungry, but she was. 

"Hey Sooyoung, can I have an apple?"

Sooyoung nodded, handing her one. It was red, bright red, Heejin felt sad that she could only have a small bite of it. Crunch. She bit into the apple, barely scratching the surface. One shallow bite. She rolled it around in her mouth, savoring it. Then she swallowed, and guilt came crashing down. She couldn't eat any more, she already had to much. 

"Here." 

"Don't you like it?" Sooyoung asked

I like it too much. "I forgot I hate apples." 

Sooyoung shrugged, "Jiwoo you want it?" 

Jiwoo nodded, excited.

Heejin would of smiled at the sight, but all she could do was think about the apple. The bite had been to big. 

Guilt.

It crashed against her like waves.

A storm brewing. 

...

Heejin's good mood was gone, she wanted to die. Well, actually what she wanted was to go back in time. She wanted to make it so that for once Sooyoung had forgotten to bring apples to school. She wanted to stop herself from eating it. Why? She asked herself. 

It was after school, and she was waiting for Hyunjin. 

"Maybe I should cancel." She mumbled under her breath.

Before she could consider that any longer, Hyunjin tapped her on the shoulder.

"Heya!" 

"Hi." Heejin said, tiredly.

"You good?" Hyunjin asked concerned.

Heejin tried her best to hide how she felt, and said "I'm great now that you're here." 

That was true, kind of, she was glad Hyunjin was here. 

Even if she did feel like crap.

-

Hyunjin was in a great mood, Heejin was here in here room, and they were just hanging out. She thought that maybe they were becoming friends. She didn't know why she cared, she never had before, but it made her happy. Very happy. In fact, she was smiling from ear to ear.

"Hyunjin it's dinner time!" Her mom yelled.

Hyunjin didn't know why she bothered to walk up to her room just to yell, she could of easily stayed downstairs. 

"I should go." Heejin said.

Her mom laughed, "Nonsense, you'll stay for dinner." 

"My mom won't let me."

"I already called and asked."

How did she get the number of Heejin's mom?

"Well I guess it's settled then!" Hyunjin said.

"Yeah, I guess so." Heejin replied.

...

Hyunjin stared at Heejin in awkward silence, her mom had said she had already eaten, and went off on some errand. God, Hyunjin thought, thanks a lot mom.

"Do you like it?" Hyunjin said motioning to the soup in front of Heejin.

"Yeah."

This was so awkward, Heejin obviously hated the soup, she hadn't eaten any. Be positive a voice said, maybe she just isn't hungry. Not hungry? The girl hadn't eaten at school again, she had to be hungry. It was simple she probably hated the soup.

What a disaster.

-

Heejin stared at Hyunjin, trying not to look at the soup. She felt sick, much sicker than normal. Her stomach clenched, and pain shot through it. She kept looking straight ahead, ignoring it, she needed a distraction. 

Hyunjin looked up at her, tilted her head to the side, but said nothing. She looked like a cat. A very cute cat.

Heejin smiled, Hyunjin was a distraction, and not only that, but she did kinda like the girl. Those two things fueled her to get up, and walk across the table.

"What are you doing?" Hyunjin asked, not upset, just mildly curious.

"This." Heejin whispered.

And then it happened, the kiss.

She felt fireworks shoot through her, and this time what she felt in her stomach wasn't pain. It was still there of course, it always was, but Hyunjin's lips on her's helped it. Just a little.

...

That night lying on her bed, Heejin realized what she had done. She had kissed her, like actually kissed her. And Hyunjin had kissed back. Omg. She was in no state to date anyone, especially not Hyunjin. They'd have to keep it a secret, and Heejin had enough of those. 

She shivered, pulling the comforter over her. She was cold, so cold. It made the thoughts of Hyunjin drift out of her mind as she curled up, and tried to sleep.

Tomorrow she would deal with the consequences. 

Tomorrow.


	4. Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Distractions.

Heejin walked into the school building, running up to Jinsoul and Jungeun. Her legs ached, but she couldn't let them know that.

"Hey!" She said smiling. 

"Hi!" Jinsoul said loudly. 

"You're gonna break her ears." Jungeun said.

Jinsoul giggled, "Sorry."

They entered the English class, sitting in the front. She looked up waiting for her other friends to enter. And maybe, she was waiting for Hyunjin too. Sooyoung entered the class, sitting with them. Then, a few seconds Chaewon followed, walking in with Hyejoo. They had become friends lately, well it was supposed to be a secret, but Heejin always noticed secrets. After all, she kept such a big one. She knew the signs that someone was lying, she also knew how to hide them so others couldn't notice. Chaewon, and Hyejoo were horrible at it though. They had no practice. Chaewon sat down, immediately talking to Sooyoung and Jiwoo, but Heejin could see her look over at Hyejoo. She was going to watch the scene unfold further, but then Hyunjin walked in. She looked at her, and saw Hyunjin look back. They both paused for a moment, before going back to what they were doing.

"Okay, spill." Sooyoung said "I saw you looking at her."

Maybe Sooyoung wasn't as dense as she thought, "There's nothing to spill."

She stared at Sooyoung waiting for her to say something, but Jiwoo grabbed the girl's arm, and they started a conversation about Witches.

And Heejin sat there.

Forgotten. 

...

She scribbled in her notebook, drawing instead of taking notes on the equations on the board. Math was so boring, only two of her friends were in this class, and they usually left her to her own devices. She lifted her head up, looking over at Chaewon and Jinsoul, they were chatting about something. She didn't bother to listen. Hyunjin wasn't in this class, and she missed her. She looked to the back of the room, some of Hyunjin's friends were here. Hyejoo, Vivi, Yerim, and that other girl. Heejin scribbled in her notebook again, what was that girl's name? She had trouble remembering things sometimes, her memory could be fuzzy some days. It was, Hasoul, no, Haseul. Yes that was it, Haseul. She looked at her drawing in her notebook, it was a rabbit and a cat. She smiled, it reminded her of her and Hyunjin. Great, now she was thinking of the girl again. She suddenly had to fight the urge to bend over, and hold her stomach. Grimacing, she clenched her pencil, straightening up in her seat. 

"You good?" Jinsoul asked.

Heejin nodded, smiling, "Of course."

It's not a lie Heejin, she thought.

It's the truth.

It's the truth.

-

Hyunjin finished her lunch quickly, she wanted to go see Heejin. She walked through the halls, looking for the girl. They had kissed. Hyunjin touched her lips at the thought, as if she could still feel Heejin's lips on hers. She turned into the field near the gym, and looked out to find Heejin sitting to the side of it. 

"Hey!" She called.

Heejin jumped a little, but didn't get up. "Oh, hey."

Hyunjin sat next to her, looking at the girl. She looked sick, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Heejin said, smiling.

It had probably been nothing. She looked back at the girl, about to talk about yesterday, but was silenced by a kiss. She smiled slightly, happy that Heejin had kissed her once again. The girl pushed her back against the grass, probably making her clothes dirty, but Hyunjin didn't care. Her heart was hammering in her chest, and all she could think about as the fact that Heejin was on top of her. She could feel the girl's tongue sneak past her lips, entering her mouth. Their tongues danced together, not battling against each other, but moving as one. She felt hands move over her sides, and lifted her hands up to the girl's back. They stayed like that until they heard the bell ring in the distance. 

...

Science class was dull like usual, but at least it had the same students as English class. She wished that school would just end, then Heejin and her could go work on the project, and maybe do something else too. She smiled at the thought. 

"Why are you so happy all of a sudden?" Yeojin asked.

Hyunjin ignored her, pretending to read her textbook. 

"Haseul ask her why she's so happy!" Yeojin exclaimed.

The older girl rolled her eyes, "Why are you in such a good mood?" 

"I..." Hyunjin said, considering if she should tell the truth or not. She opted for a half-truth "I made out with someone."

Heejin wasn't just someone.

Yeojin's eyes practically bugged out of her head, "Who!?" 

Vivi sighed, "Stop bothering her." 

"No." Yeojin said.

Hyejoo looked at her, "Who is it though?"

"We're just friends, it's not important."

Haseul laughed, "Just friends my ass."

Hyunjin decided to go back to fake reading her textbook.

The questions ceasing for now.

-

"Your're coming to my house today!" Sooyoung exclaimed.

"I have to work on the project today." Heejin said.

"Just bring Hyunjin." 

"Fine." She whispered, giving in.

"Tell her to bring Hyejoo too, Chaewon likes her."

"What?"

"I'm just saying. Hyejoo is popular material, she just needs to stop being so emo, and they could be cute couple." Sooyoung explained.

Heejin almost face-palmed, but looked around the front of the school for Hyunjin instead. She found the girl standing with Yerim and Hyejoo. That was lucky, she thought.

"Hyunjin!" She called.

The girl walked over, Hyejoo and Yerim following.

Sooyoung looked at them, "We're studying at my house, and Heejin insists on bringing you so you can work on the project."

Heejin sighed, "I didn't insist, you did."

"Speaking of insisting, Hyejoo your're coming." Sooyoung ordered.

"Why?" The emo girl complained.

"Because I ship." Sooyoung said, almost making Heejin laugh.

"Huh?" Both Hyunjin and Hyejoo mumbled.

"Let's go!" Heejin said, watching as Hyunjin waved to Yerim.

...

Sooyoung's house was big, very big. Heejin loved it. She didn't love it simply because it was big, but because in some messed up way it made her feel smaller. It also took the attention off of her when there was so much to look at. 

"Hurry up Heejin!" Sooyoung called from her room.

Sighing, she rushed to the room, and immediately sat down, tired. She looked at the full room, Hyunjin, Hyejoo, Sooyoung, Chaewon, and Jiwoo all sat there. 

"Why are Hyejoo's and Jiwoo's partners not here?" Hyunjin asked.

"They already finished their projects." Sooyoung said, moving to sit next to Jiwoo.

Wow, Heejin thought, making a mental note to work harder on their's.

She looked up as Hyunjin sat next to her, moving a computer in between them. "Let's get to work." She said.

-

Hyunjin looked at Heejin out of the corner of her eye, they had all decided that they had done enough for today, and were sitting there watching a movie. She still couldn't believe Sooyoung had a TV in her room. She lay on her stomach, feet in the air, watching a superhero put out a fire on the screen. The movie was boring, and so instead she began to watch the girls around her. Sooyoung and Jiwoo were cuddled together, and Hyejoo and Chaewon were sitting close to each other, whispering. She looked at Heejin again, they had about a feet between them, she wanted to close it. Before she could do anything though, Heejin got up.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom." She said.

Hyunjin watched her leave the room, and then looked back seeing that the other girl's were looking at her.

"Oooooo!" Jiwoo yelled, making Sooyoung flinch. 

"Sorry," Jiwoo giggled, "It's just the way you looked at her was so cute, you like her don't you?"

Hyunjin furrowed her brow, "No."

Hyejoo looked at her, and Hyunjin realized that she probably knew who she had kissed now. Great. Just great.

Hyejoo smirked, winking at Chaewon, "So is she the one that you, ya know?"

Hyunjin shook her head a little to furiously.

"What? Fuck?" Sooyoung asked.

Chaewon rolled her eyes, "Why is it always sex with you?"

Sooyoung blushed, and Hyunjin smiled a little noticing that Jiwoo did too. 

"She kissed someone." Hyejoo said.

Sooyoung turned to her, "Who?!"

Hyunjin glared at Hyejoo, "None of your business, that's who."

"Fine don't tell us." Sooyoung pouted.

...

Hyunjin stared at the door, Heejin was taking way to long. The movie was almost over. The others hadn't seemed to notice because they were so focused on the climax of the movie. Hyunjin, however, was focused on the climax of her panic. Her heart was beating quickly, and this time it wasn't from excitement. She felt sick, she kept thinking about everything that might of gone wrong. Calm yourself, a voice said. Hyunjin tried, but all she managed to do was slow her breathing. She looked back at the TV, it hadn't been that long. 

Right?

-

Heejin woke up on the floor, her cheek sore from being pressed against the tiles. She slowly pulled herself up using the counter, groaning. How long had she been out? She needed to get back to the room. She had felt faint earlier, so she had left the room just in case, and she was glad she had. She turned on the sink, splashing water on her face, and drying it with a towel. She was relieved to see her make-up was actually water proof, and it wasn't just a marketing ploy. She was also relieved to she that her cheek had not bruised, she got bruises easily. Her immune system was weak, and so was her skin, she always got bruised from bumping into things. It was a miracle that the only thing on her cheek was a slight blush. It could easily be explained as her being hot, not that she was. In fact, she was cold.

Focus Heejin, she told herself

Focus.

Slowly she made her way back to the bedroom, opening the door. Hyunjin smiled at her, and it made Heejin's heart break a little. That smile would be gone soon, and it would be all her fault. She should stop, she shouldn't let her close. It would hurt her.

You're fine Heejin, she said in her head, as if stating a fact.

And it was a fact to her.

You don't need to push her away, nothing is wrong, so you don't need to fix anything.

Yes, she thought, nothing is wrong.

Nothing.


	5. Complications

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oof.

Heejin picked up a sandwich and ate it. It practically melted in her mouth, it tasted so good. Suddenly she panicked, she wasn't supposed to eat. She bolted up in the bed, her heart going a mile a minute. It was just a dream, she sighed. She didn't know if the dreams were normal, but she always had them when she didn't eat, and she didn't eat a lot. She hated, and loved the dreams. They comforted her, they made her happy, but then she realized what she had done, and the panic awoke her. She stared at the clock, glowing in the corner of her room, it was 6 o'clock. She tried to get up, but her stomach felt awful. Not normal awful, it wasn't just empty, it ached, a deep ache. Her arms, and legs hurt to. Everything did. She pulled the blanket over her, maybe she could just go back to sleep.

...

Heejin woke to her dad's voice. "Heejin?"

She groaned, ignoring him.

"You have to get up, you're late."

Late.

She would of cared, but god her head felt so weird. It wasn't pain per say, it felt light, but heavy. Fuzzy.

"Get up." Her mom said, walking in with her dad.

Heejin slowly sat up, her entire body still ached. She walked, slowly to the closet, waiting until her parents left to change. 

Afterwards, she grabbed some aspirin, she knew she shouldn't take them on an empty stomach, but she had to stop the pain. She wobbled, almost falling over. Swallowing the aspirin, she moved toward the front door where her mom was waiting. They walked to the car in silence.

Heejin blinked.

She looked out at the school, how had she gotten there? She tried to remember why she was standing in front of the entrance, but she couldn't. Her memory could be bad sometimes, especially when the pain was this bad. She did feel slightly better though, the aspirin had helped. She walked up to the school, still puzzled about why she had forgotten the ride over.

The hallways were empty.

Crap.

She had forgotten about being late.

-

Hyunjin stared at the door, Heejin was late. Not that late it was still first period, but that girl was almost never late. The only few times she had been late last year were for some sickness or something. Hyunjin began to worry again, what if Heejin was sick. She's not sick, she reassured herself, she's fine. To her relief at that very moment Heejin walked in through the door. The teacher waved her over to her seat, and Heejin handed her a tardy slip. The girl then sat in her usual place next to Sooyoung. Hyunjin watched them, her eyes flicking between the two girls.

"Why are you late?"

-

"I said, why are you late?" 

Heejin looked at Sooyoung, she must of zoned out again. 

"Sorry."

"Well?" Sooyoung said, Heejin noticed that all of her friends were now looking at her.

"I slept in."

"You never sleep in, are you sick?" Jiwoo asked, caring like always.

"No." Yes.

Well, yes and no.

Jungeun looked at her, "You sure?"

Heejin smiled, "Yeah."

The 4 girls went back to talking, Jinsoul once again gushing about a famous person. 

And Heejin?

Heejin laid her head down.

And everything went dark. 

-

Hyunjin looked at Heejin, she had fallen asleep. Hyunjin thought it was cute, the teacher however obviously didn't.

"Heejin." The teacher called, sternly. 

No response.

"Wake your friend, please, Sooyoung."

Sooyoung shook Heejin, but the girl still didn't wake up.

The teacher's face turned from stern to worried.

"Heejin?" Jiwoo called, "Wake up."

Needless to say the girl did not wake up. Hyunjin started to panic, something was wrong. This wasn't good, at all.

Sooyoung lifted up Heejin, but the girl didn't stir.

The teacher frowned, thinking it was a prank."Heejin, this isn't funny. Pay attention to the class."

"I don't think she's faking." Vivi called from beside Hyunjin, "I think she fainted."

The teacher went over to her desk, and picked up the phone on it, dialing the nurse. "A student in my class has fainted."

A pause.

"No, she is not faking."

Another pause.

"Yes, hurry."

The teacher hung up, and Hyunjin saw worry in her eyes. Worry probably was in her eye's too. She felt sick, very sick. 

"May I accompany her to the nurse?" She asked

"Yes, you can explain what happened when she wakes up."

Hyunjin stared at Heejin, ignoring the voice that told her something was dreadfully wrong.

After all, that voice was usually wrong, so it probably was this time too.

Right?

-

Heejin awoke in the nurse's office. She tried to sit up, but her head, and practically everything else throbbed, so she opted to stay lying down. She looked over at the girl sitting next to her. She blinked, trying to clear her blurry vision. It was Hyunjin.

"You fainted." The girl simply stated.

She never should of come to school today.

"Has this ever happened before?"

"No." Heejin lied.

The nurse walked into the room, stopping right by the cot. 

"Here, your blood sugar is probably low." She said, handing Heejin an apple.

She felt disgust well up in her stomach, the idea of eating it made her sick. She had been guilty enough after taking a bite of one last time. 

"I hate apples." 

"You need to eat it." The nurse said, handing it to her, watching her.

Heejin slowly took a bite, trying not to gag.

Crunch.

She chewed slowly, trying not to think, and swallowed. 

She could practically feel it hit her stomach. 

Heejin handed the apple back to the nurse.

"You should eat more of it." 

Heejin glared at the nurse, turning to face Hyunjin.

"Did I faint in class?"

Hyunjin nodded, obviously worried.

Heejin wanted to tell her she didn't need to worry.

She was fine. 

-

Hyunjin carried Heejin on her back to the bus stop. She had insisted, not giving the girl a chance to refuse. Her thoughts drifted back to earlier in the nurse's office. Why hadn't Heejin eaten the apple? She hates them. But wouldn't you eat something, even if you hated it, if the nurse said you should? I'm paranoid, Hyunjin answered, of course I would. They reached the bus stop, and Hyunjin sat the girl down on the bench. 

"Have you ever fainted before?" Heejin asked her.

"No, what does it feel like?"

"Nothingness." Heejin stated simply.

Hyunjin was going to ask her more questions about what had happened, but instead she was interrupted by the bus.

...

"Hey dad?" Hyunjin asked when her dad got home from work.

"Yeah sweetie?"

"Why would someone faint?"

"Well, there are lots of reasons, you could not have enough air, food, or water." Her dad answered. "You could also be sick, or faint from being to hot or cold."

"Why?"

Hyunjin sighed, "No reason."

She went up to her room, flopping down on the bed, something was off with Heejin and this time she wouldn't dismiss it. She would figure out what was wrong. 

She was going to watch that girl like a hawk. 

And then she would help her.

How she didn't know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case you didn't know, - means it's switching pov, and ... doesn't.


	6. Sleepover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sooyoung sure likes having people over.

Heejin sat in Sooyoung's room, mildly annoyed. She was tired, but the girl had convinced her to come to her sleepover. It was to celebrate her recovery, or at least that was what Sooyoung had told her. Not that she had recovered. Not that anything was wrong. She stared out the window, watching as the other girls arrived. Chaewon, Yeojin, Haseul, Jiwoo, Vivi, Hyejoo, Hyunjin, Jungeun, Jinsoul, and Yerim. Sooyoung greeted each girl with a hug, even the girl's that weren't her friends. Sooyoung had made Hyejoo invite her friends, still trying to set Chaewon up with her. Heejin watched Hyejoo hug Chaewon, maybe it had already worked. At least Hyejoo had invited Hyunjin, that would make this night bearable. 

Hopefully.

...

Sooyoung slapped a couple boxes of pizza down in front of them. Heejin stared at them, she used to love pizza. Her mouth went dry when Jiwoo opened the boxes, pushing them towards each pair of girls. Heejin looked down at her and Hyunjin's. Bile rose in her throat, but she pushed it down. The cat-like girl picked up a piece, eating it in a few bites. Heejin's mouth went from dry to wet in seconds. She wanted the pizza, but she didn't. 

Moving back sightly, she said. "Want to play a game?'

The girls started clapping, excited. Perfect, Heejin thought, a distraction.

"What game?" Jinsoul asked

Haseul smirked, "Spin the bottle."

Sooyoung grabbed a bottle out from under the bed. "Oh, don't look at me like that it's sparkling water."

Jiwoo laughed, taking it from her, spinning it.

Heejin could of sworn she had made it land on Sooyoung somehow.

"Ooooo." Yeojin said, giggling.

The two girl's kissed, and Heejin could tell it was more than just a one time thing. There were sparks. She knew because she had felt them with Hyunjin. 

"Your turn." Jiwoo said, handing it to Hyunjin.

Heejin knew the girl could make it land on her if she wanted to, she was very athletic, it would be easy. 

The bottle spun, and landed on her just like she thought it would. 

They kissed, and fireworks shot down her spine. It was perfect, or it would of been, if not for the taste of pizza on her lips. Heejin pulled away, wiping the pizza off of her mouth with her sleeve, just in case. Hyunjin frowned slightly, interpreting it as disgust. She wanted to apologize, but before she could, Hyejoo stole the bottle and spun it. 

It almost landed on Sooyoung, in fact it would of if the girl hadn't moved over, making Chaewon the only one near it.

Hyejoo moved towards her, making the small girl blush, there kiss seemed like it to was not merely platonic.

Heejin looked at Hyunjin.

Sorry, she thought. 

-

Hyunjin couldn't focus, they had moved on from Spin the bottle to telling stories about their dreams, but instead of listening she was thinking about Heejin. Why had the girl wiped her mouth afterwards? They had kissed before, and she had liked it. Heck, she had initiated it both times. It was probably just a show so the others wouldn't question anything. 

So why did she feel so hurt?

Hyunjin always cared to much, it was why she shut people out. Once she let them in she worried, she obsessed, not in a creepy way, but she did. She was always an observer, but her mind often twisted what she observed to the worst possible outcome. She hated it, it hurt her. It hurt her relationships. She wished she could stop the spiral of anxiety she always feel into, but she couldn't. She just had to ride it out. Right now she was definitely spiraling as she looked at Heejin, openly staring. Maybe the girl hated her now. Stop, she told herself, that's absurd. 

Suddenly Heejin spoke, it must of been her turn to tell a story. "I've only had one nightmare that's woken me up, but I've had it a bunch of times."

"What?" Yerim asked, always friendly to everyone, even strangers.

Hyunjin could see Heejin hesitate, but no one else seemed to notice. "I'll eat something, and then I'll realize I'm not supposed too. I'll wake up in a panic, and it's the only dream I've ever had where I didn't know it was a dream."

Jinsoul rolled her eyes, "That can't be it. All you do in it is eat something?"

"But I wasn't supposed to, and I didn't realize it until after I ate it."

Hyunjin spoke up, "I guess that can be kind of scary."

"Not really." Jungeun said, "You know what is? My dream!"

-

Exhaustion moved through Heejin, wrapping around her like vines. She was glad that they finally got to go to bed, she was tired. So tired. So very tired. You're repeating your thoughts again Heejin, she told herself. She pulled out her sleeping bag, laying it next to Hyunjin. They hadn't spoken since the kiss. Guilt crawled into Heejin's mind, and for once it wasn't from eating. Her eyes felt so heavy. She wanted to do something, she did, but she also just wanted to sleep. She was so tired.

So tired.

...

She woke up to the smell of bacon and pancakes. Her stomach rumbled, and she almost forgot she wasn't supposed to eat. Almost. She walked into the kitchen, where everyone else already was. 

"Hey!" Hyunjin said, seeming happier than yesterday. 

"Grab some food." Sooyoung said, motioning to the counter. 

Heejin walked over, grabbing a plate, and silverware, putting a pancake on it. She used the knife, and fork to cut it up, and then she cut it up more. And then a little more.

"You scared of choking or something?" Hyejoo said. 

"Huh?" 

"You cut it so small, it's like almost crumbs." The emo girl said, pointing on the plate.

"I'm tired, I didn't mean too." Heejin explained.

Hyejoo just shrugged, and went back to talking to Chaewon. Vivi however stared at her, the girl was smart, too smart. Heejin felt like she could see through her. 

"Maybe you should get a new pancake." Vivi suggested.

"I don't want to waste it." 

Again smart eyes stared through her, as if they knew her real motives.

"Okay." Vivi said, starting to eat her food.

"Are we gonna sit down?" Yerim asked, "Or are we just going to stand in the kitchen?"

Sooyoung laughed, and lead them to the dining room. Heejin sat down next to Hyunjin, fiddling with her plate. Slowly, she lifted the fork to her mouth, taking a piece about the size of the tip of her pointer finger. She moved it around over her tongue, swallowing quickly when she saw Vivi looking at her again. 

She turned to Hyunjin, "You know you look like a cat right?"

Hyunjin smirked, "Meow."

-

Everyone had gotten picked up, except for Hyunjin, Vivi, and obviously Sooyoung. She had decided that walking home would be fine, and so she wasn't in a hurry. And Vivi? Her parents were late. 

"So," Vivi said "Have you noticed that Heejin had been acting weird?"

Hyunjin nodded, "Yeah, she fainted, and there's other things."

Vivi looked relieved, "So you noticed it too?"

Hyunjin frowned, "Noticed what?" She asked.

Vivi didn't hear her though, she was already running to her parent's car. 

Strange. 

She had noticed weird things, but not one big thing. What had Vivi noticed? 

Hyunjin hoped it wasn't bad, even if she knew it was.

...

The rain patted against Hyunjin's window as she lay in bed. Once again she couldn't sleep. This time her worry didn't seem so far-fetched, something was definitely wrong. Not oh, maybe something is wrong, or something bad happened, but I'm sure it's fine. Something was deeply wrong with Heejin, and judging from how Vivi had said it, it was a lot worse than she had previously thought. She rolled over, agitated, she hated that she was in the dark. She hated that she wasn't in control. She wanted to help, but how could she? She didn't even know what was wrong. 

Her thoughts repeated like a broken record, playing the same thought over and over.

Wrong.

Wrong.

Wrong.


	7. Questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not everything is always as it seems.

Hyunjin tried to ask Vivi what she meant the next day, but the girl told her that she was probably wrong, and didn't want to start rumors. Well then why bring it up? Hyunjin thought, but she knew the girl was just being careful. She didn't want a repeat of last year. It hadn't been any of them who had started the rumors, but ever sense no one dared to make more about anyone. Related or not. They didn't want another person to kill themselves. She sighed, if only Vivi wasn't so cautious, telling her wouldn't start another rumor. "Hey Hyunjin." Heejin said, leaning on the lockers.

"Oh, Hi." She said, surprised. "You're early." It was 5 minutes before class started, so not that early, but Heejin would always be somewhere else if she was early. She didn't like standing in front of the class. Hyunjin knew this, as sure as she knew the real reason Sooyoung always had apples was that Jiwoo gave them to her before school. She observed, so she knew when something changed. And Heejin, right now, she had done something new. Heejin loved to stick to routine. New wasn't normal. 

"I wanted to see you." Heejin said. That on the other hand was normal. The girl would change her schedule every now, and then for her friends. Were they friends? Were they just friends? 

"Well I'm honored." Hyunjin said, jokingly raising Heejin's hand, while she bowed like a prince in a movie. She looked at her hand, "I like your nails." 

Heejin smiled, "Yeah, I had some black nail polish lying around so." 

"Well, it looks nice."

... 

It was gym class, and they had to run 4 laps. Hyunjin, unlike most of her other classmates, was happy about it. She loved exercising, or rather sports. This running might not of been for a competition, but it was great practice. She looked around, trying to locate her friends. Yes, she had finally decided to just call them her friends, being close to Heejin made her realize she was being stupid. Friends were nice. Speaking of Heejin, she was talking with Sooyoung. Hyunjin tried to listen, but they were to far away. 

"You ready?" Haseul said, earning a groan from Hyejoo.

"I hate running." The girl said.

Haseul laughed, and turned to Hyunjin, "Well then, are you ready?"

Hyunjin grinned, "Of course."

And she was, in fact she was one of the first people to finish. She watched as the other students finished their 4th lap. She ignored the people she didn't know, watching her friends, and Heejin's. Sooyoung had finished seconds after her, and Jungeun had followed. Yeojin was a good runner, but small so she came in after the two of them. She watched as more people finished. Vivi, then Jinsoul, and next came Chaewon. Hyejoo lagged in the back, not really trying. Almost right next to her was Heejin. The girl seemed to be tired, which was strange, she used to be a very good runner. In fact, she used to rival Hyunjin. That had stopped sometime in high school, but Hyunjin hadn't noticed how much slower she had gotten. 

Finally, Hyejoo and Heejin finished their laps. 

Hyunjin went over to Heejin, wanting to chat. "Tiring right?"

"Yeah." Heejin said, coughing. "It really is."

-

Heejin sat completely zoned out in science class. She would focus, but gym had made her really tired. She envied that the other girls got over their fatigue by the end of class. Her on the other hand, she was exhausted. Well that word wasn't extreme enough to describe the feeling. She just wanted to sleep. Instead, she had to participate.

She looked around, for some reason every other person had stethoscopes. 

"Your heart rate should be between 60 and 100 beats per minute." The teacher said.

Suddenly, Heejin felt the stethoscope against her chest.

"The heck Sooyoung."

"Sorry, the teacher said to do it, weren't you listening." Sooyoung said, listening to Heejin's heart.

Heejin looked around, everyone was measuring each other's heart rates, she looked down. Apparently they were supposed to record their partners heart rate on the paper. How stupid, she thought. 

Sooyoung finished counting, and wrote down 52. 

Heejin took the stethoscope to Sooyoung's heart, counting all the way to 71 in a minute. She wrote down what Sooyoung's was next to her's, and waited for the teacher to come check it.

The teacher reached them, "Sooyoung, I think you counted wrong."

"No I didn't" Sooyoung said, looking mildly annoyed.

Heejin sighed, looking down at the floor. She was to tired to deal with this. 

"I'll double check." The teacher said, holding the stethoscope up to Heejin. 

One minute later she pulled it away, looking both confused, and worried. 

"53."

Sooyoung smiled, "See, I didn't do it wrong." 

The teacher moved on to the other papers, then went to the front of the board.

"Okay class, so the highest heart rate was 114, and the lowest was 52."

Haseul raised her hand, curious as always, "Who got the highest, and lowest scores?"

"Jiwoo was the highest, and Heejin was the lowest."

Heejin could feel Vivi's stare from beside Haseul. 

It's fine Heejin, she told herself, 

Slow heart rates can be normal. 

It's fine.

...

Heejin stood outside the school with Sooyoung, 

"I like your nails." 

Heejin looked over at Sooyoung, "Oh, yeah, thanks." 

Sooyoung picked them up to look at them, making Heejin's hand hurt. A few of Heejin's nails had bruised, and so she had put of black nail polish to hide it. Her hand ached slightly, and she frowned slightly as the pain returned. It had finally gone away after lunch, and now it was back.

Great. 

"Hyunjin!" Sooyoung called, "Come here."

Heejin watched as Hyunjin strode over, bored. Sooyoung let go of Heejin's hand, almost making her sigh in relief. 

"Heejin is going to use you as an excuse to not hang out with me, so you're coming."

Heejin blushed, embarrassed that Sooyoung was so frank about the situation. 

"Where?" Hyunjin asked.

"Bowling!" Sooyoung exclaimed, pulling out her phone. "I'll call Jiwoo, she'll drive us."

-

Hyunjin looked out of the window, her unblinking gaze settled on the reflection of the girls in the car. Looking away, but looking in. Jiwoo was driving, while playing some loud pop song, chewing gum. Sooyoung slumped in her seat, obviously used to being there. She must of ridden in Jiwoo's car a lot. Heejin stared out the window in the backseat near her, but she wasn't watching anything like Hyunjin was. In fact, she seemed to once again be completely zoned out. Sighing, Hyunjin turned to face straight ahead. She looked at Sooyoung watching Jiwoo, smiling. She wanted Heejin to look at her like that. She didn't care what the two girls said, they were obviously in love. Heejin and her though, she didn't know here they stood. They hadn't kissed since the sleepover. They also hadn't talked about it. Not once. In fact, they acted like nothing had happened. Hyunjin wasn't sure if she wanted to kiss Heejin again because she liked her, or because she missed her. Was there a difference? And why did she miss the girl? She was sitting right next to her. 

Hyunjin sighed, feelings sucked. 

They really did.


	8. Bowling!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Bowling!

Heejin grabbed her pink bowling ball, rolling it towards the pins. She hit one, completely missing the rest. 

"Good job!" Jiwoo said, as positive as ever. 

Heejin sighed, sitting back down, why did she ever agree to come here. She was trash at bowling. When she was younger she was great, always knocking all the pins down in one or two turns. Now though the ball made her arm hurt even more, and the bright lights made her vision fuzzy. The loud chatter, and music gave her a worse headache than she had before. She wanted to go home. The thought surfaced, making he cringe at how she sounded like a cranky toddler. 

"Yayyyy!" Jiwoo yelled, making Heejin flinch.

She looked over at the loud girl, who was now hugging Sooyoung in celebration. Sooyoung had gotten a strike, making her and Jiwoo win the game.

"Sorry." Heejin said to Hyunjin, "I'm not good at bowling." 

The cat-like girl smiled, "It's okay."

...

Sooyoung dragged Heejin over to the food court by her arm, probably leaving bruises. Looks like it's long sleeves for a while, Heejin thought. 

"Let's get pizza!" Jiwoo said, running up to the counter. 

Heejin looked back behind her to where Hyunjin slowly followed them. "Hurry up." She called, trying to act like she wasn't practically having a heart attack. 

Hyunjin quickened her pace, reaching the counter at the same time as Sooyoung and her. 

"Four pizza slices please!" Jiwoo said, turning to Sooyoung who handed her money. Heejin wondered if maybe Sooyoung had finally noticed Jiwoo's crush, and had reciprocated it. The thought was a pleasant distraction from reality, which she was trying really hard not to focus on.

They sat down at on of the many tables scattering the food court, Heejin staring at the pizza. Maybe I should pretend to accidentally knock it over, she wondered. 

"It's good." Hyunjin said, biting into the pizza. 

Heejin gagged and felt her mouth water. She wished her body would make up it's mind, she had made up her's a long time ago. She moved knocking the plate with her elbow, making it fall face first on the floor. 

"Oh no!" Heejin exclaimed.

"Do you want me to buy another?" Sooyoung asked.

Heejin fake smiled at her, "No, it's fine, I don't want to waste your money."

"Suit yourself."

Heejin sighed, relieved. She was safe.

For now. 

-

Hyunjin stared at the pizza in the corner of the table. She felt bad that Heejin didn't get any. 

"I invited some of your friends over Hyunjin." Sooyoung said, obviously plotting, "And Chaewon."

"Who."

"Oh, just Vivi, because she is good at bowling, and ..." Sooyoung smirked, "Hyejoo."

Hyunjin rolled her eyes knowing Sooyoung only invited Vivi as an excuse to invite Hyejoo.

Heejin laughed, "I see you still ship."

Sooyoung nodded, solemnly, "I do."

They walked back over to the bowling lane they had been using, and sat down.

Sooyoung's phone binged. "They're here." She said.

Hyunjin looked over at the older girl, "They came together?"

Another smirk, "Yes, and they brought Vivi along for the ride."

Heejin smacked Sooyoung, "Not what Hyunjin meant."

Jiwoo jumped up, not being able to resist not talking any longer. "I'm gonna get more pizza." She said, walking away.

Hyunjin laughed as Sooyoung scrambled to follow her, yelling "Wait I have the money." 

She felt a tap on her shoulder, it was Vivi.

"Hey, where are Chaewon, and Hyejoo?" Hyunjin asked.

Vivi giggled, "Probably off somewhere making out."

"Vivi!" Hyunjin laughed.

...

The ball rolled against the pins, hitting them all down. Hyunjin jumped up, celebrating. This time Vivi was her partner. Chaewon and Hyejoo were still off somewhere, and Sooyoung refused to bother them. Heejin had volunteered to sit this round out, and give Vivi a turn. Hyunjin smiled, Heejin was nice. Very nice. She shook her head trying to stop her blush from spreading. She needed to focus. She needed to win.

Jiwoo ran up and threw the ball. It hit two pins, but that was good enough for Sooyoung apparently who cheered loudly. They were way behind Vivi and her in score, but not in spirit.

The game ended, and Vivi sat down,"I think I'll take a break."

Hyunjin shrugged, "What about you Heejin you sitting this one out?"

Heejin nodded, and said, "Sorry."

"It's fine." Hyunjin said, smiling warmly.

"I'll sit out too!" Jiwoo said, "I'm tired." 

Sooyoung sighed, "Guess it's just you and me."

-

Heejin avoided Vivi's gaze, opting to watch Jiwoo who was sitting at the edge of the bench, clapping. Vivi cleared her throat, but Heejin looked forward. 

"Want some?" Vivi said, pointing to the pizza on the table. "You didn't eat any before the last game."

Heejin tensed. Did she know? No, how could she. "I had pizza before you came."

"Okay." Vivi said, pausing slightly, "Was it good?"

Heejin smiled, "Too salty."

Vivi nodded, "Yeah it is salty, much to salty."

Heejin laughed, feeling like she dodged a bullet, and then went back to watching the others. She could still feel Vivi watching her though, unsure, curious. She tensed again, she could hear her heartbeat. She blinked, her vision fuzzy again. She wondered if it was fuzzy because she was stressed or because of the normal reasons. Your version of normal isn't normal Heejin, she told herself. 

Yes it it, she thought.

Yes it is.

"Heejin?" Vivi called.

"What?" She answered, turning back towards the girl. 

"Are you ok?"

"Um, yeah." Heejin said.

"Ok, good." 

"Why do you ask?" Heejin asked, trying not to let paranoia take her over.

"You just seem a little off sometimes."

"Well, we all have off days." She said, rolling her eyes. 

"Did the nurse ever say why you fainted?"

Heejin straightened up, once again tensing. "Low blood sugar, or something." 

"That sucks." 

"Yeah it does." Awkward silence filled up the space between them, making Heejin turn around. She made a mental note to avoid Vivi from now on.

Jiwoo jumped up and down, clapping. Sooyoung had won.

"I want a rematch." Hyunjin exclaimed.

Sooyoung shook her head, "No, can't, the bowling place is closing in 15 minutes."

Heejin let out a breath she didn't even know she was holding.

Finally.

She could go home, and sleep.

She loved to sleep, it was the only time she didn't feel pain.

It was a release from reality. 

The reality that hated her so. 

Or maybe it was her that hated reality.


	9. Missing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heejin misses school.

The weekend had come and gone, and now Hyunjin was back at school, but Heejin wasn't. She watched the door, waiting. Maybe Heejin is just late again, she thought, looking up at the clock. It was towards the end of science, so it was highly unlikely that the girl was coming to school today, since the class was later in the day. She waited anxiously for the class to end so she could ask Jiwoo or Sooyoung where she was. Earlier she had thought Heejin was late, so she hadn't asked about her whereabouts. She knew now that had been a mistake. Missing school every now and then was normal, but not for Heejin. There were a couple kids in the class who always came to school, only missing it if they were very sick. The list included Haseul, Heejin, and a quiet girl named Joohyun, as well as a few others. If Heejin wasn't here that meant she was sick, very sick. Heejin had come to school last year when she had a terrible cold, and she hadn't missed any school after she fainted. This meant that whatever had caused her to stay home was important, and not in a good way. Hyunjin tapped her pencil against the desk, waiting for class to end. She needed to know what was wrong, and she couldn't help but wonder if it had something to do with whatever problem she seemed to be hiding. 

...

Jiwoo and Sooyoung chatted with each other as Hyunjin walked up to them.

"Hey, guys." Hyunjin said, awkwardly, she never really talked to Sooyoung without Heejin being there. 

"Oh, hey." Sooyoung said, turning to look at her. "What's up."

"Do you know why Heejin isn't at school."

Jiwoo shrugged, "She said she's sick, stomach bug."

"It must be a bad one for her to miss school." Hyunjin said while grimacing. 

Sooyoung nodded "She said it is." 

"Well tell her I hope she gets better soon."

"Will do!" Jiwoo exclaimed, turning back to Sooyoung.

Silently Hyunjin walked off, not sure whether to be relieved or worried.

-

Heejin had been lying in bed all day, the only time she had gotten up was to flush the chicken soup her mother gave her down the toilet. It was a waste, but she couldn't eat it, it wasn't the slightest bit healthy. She knew she should eat, her stomach hurt so much that all she could do was lie there. She looked down at her phone, Jiwoo had texted telling her that Hyunjin had said she hoped she would get better soon. Heejin sighed, even if she the pain got better, she herself would not be better. She would not be fine.

You're fine Heejin, she told herself. 

Slowly she pulled herself out of bed, ignoring the pain that suddenly shot through her. Her dad had gone to work, and her mom was in her office so she could move around the house unnoticed. She felt hollow, but the hollowness was filling. She suddenly had the urge to break something out of frustration, why couldn't she just be normal? Heejin shuffled down the stairs, and into the kitchen. She opened the fridge, and just looked. She knew she was hungry, she knew some part if her wanted to eat, but as she looked at the food she felt nothing. No urge to eat, and stop the pain. Her hand reached out, picking up a strawberry, and she bit into it. The juice made her feel sick, but she swallowed, and took another bite finishing it all. Heejin felt both guilt from eating, and pride that she hadn't eaten more. She hadn't eaten in a few days, it was time. The fact that it had been so long since she last ate was the only reason she didn't immediately become consumed with guilt.

It was still there though.

It was always there.

...

"Are you feeling better?" Heejin's mom asked.

Heejin moved the covers down off of her face to look at her from the bed, "Yeah, a little." 

It was the truth, kind of, she did feel slightly better since she ate. 

"Do you think you can go to school tomorrow?"

Flashing a fake smile at her mom Heejin nodded, "Yeah."

"I brought you some more soup." 

"Thanks." God no, Heejin wanted to yell.

Her mom sat the soup down on a tray in front of her, "Go on eat some."

Realizing her mom wasn't going to leave till she tired it, Heejin put the spoon to her lips, and swallowed. She could feel the noodles hit her stomach, and was glad she had chosen a spoonful with mostly broth. What she wasn't glad about though was actually having to eat it. 

Her mom smiled, "Is it good, I added some stuff to this batch, so it tastes different." 

"It's great Mom." 

Finally her mom left, and Heejin could get up and flush the soup down the toilet. She wasn't stupid she had done this for a while, if she had the chance to make it look like she had eaten something she should take it. She watched as the soup disappeared, and felt a weight lift of her chest, she was happy it was gone. Not just happy, she felt euphoric. She didn't care that her stomach still hurt, she could deal with it. The emptiness was nothing compared to the guilt. If not eating gave you a mental high from the pride, even though she knew she shouldn't be proud, then eating gave you the lowest low. The guilt dragged you as low as possible, silencing your cries because they didn't deserve to be heard.

It was your fault after all. 

It's all your fault Heejin, she told herself, believing that she was right.

-

Hyunjin couldn't sleep, this was a normal occurrence, but usually music helped. To her dismay the music blaring in her ears was not helping in the slightest. Her dad would always ask how loud music could lull her to sleep, and she would say she didn't know. The truth was she did know how, the music muffled her thoughts, it gave her something else to focus on beside the voice in her head. The music was loud, but so was the voice. And today? It was louder than the music.

What if she has cancer? 

Hyunjin scoffed, knowing that that was absurd, it was a small community, if Heejin had cancer everyone would know. That meant if Heejin did have a problem it was something only a few people, or maybe no one, knew about. She couldn't get rid of the voice that kept telling her over, and over that Heejin being sick had something to do with what Vivi had noticed. It had something to do with all of the odd things about the girl who seemed so normal. Almost to normal, Hyunjin thought, as if she has something to hide.

Secrets, everyone had them.

Even Hyunjin.


	10. Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red can describe a lot of things.

Heejin strolled into school, calm, composed. Normal. Yes, she thought, I look normal. The thought made her smile, her brain almost never let her compliment herself, not that it really was one. It was good enough though. She had earbuds in her ears, and was bopping her head to the music, moving to the rhythm of the song. She felt several rhythms, the song, her footsteps, the hunger pains, and the chatter of voices she could barely hear. Honestly, for once she had energy, and she didn't know why. Maybe it had been the coffee pill before school? She usually never took pills, paranoid that it would hurt her if her stomach was empty, which it always was. Today though, she had been so exhausted that she had almost considered staying home. Almost. Heejin, of course, couldn't let herself do that, and so she swallowed the pill waiting for it to take effect. In fact she had taken another, just in case. Sure, it had made her stomach feel slightly weird, but it always felt slightly weird. Her mood was up in the clouds, she felt great. She had forgotten how nice it was to have energy, to not be both mental and physically exhausted all the time. The coffee pills weren't miracles though, so she didn't feel as energized as she would had she taken it on a full stomach, but compared to nothing it was great. The music made her want to dance, and she almost did, forgetting where she was. 

Tap. 

Heejin turned around, pulling the ear bud out of her ears. "Oh! Hey Hyunjin!"

"Hi." Hyunjin said, looking nervous.

Giggling, Heejin pulled her closer, whispering in her ear. "Meet me during lunch, I'll be in the field."

"O-oh, Okay." Hyunjin stuttered, blushing. 

And Heejin?

Heejin skipped away. 

...

The grass made her legs itch, and tickled her hands as she sat there. Heejin didn't mind though, not while she was watching Hyunjin walk up towards her. Her eyes flicked to Hyunjin's lips, and back up. The red stayed in her mind though, a piercing image. The color reminded her of apples, but these she could taste. She didn't have to avoid her hunger for this red, she could take it all, and nothing bad would happen. The red swirled around in her mind, yes, she wanted it. She wanted to taste it. If she couldn't have food she could have this. Maybe it would satisfy her hunger for now. Red like apples, but good, better, safe. 

You can taste this Heejin, she told herself, no consequences. 

No guilt.

Just red.

"What do you want?" Hyunjin said, sitting next to her.

Heejin smiled, watching her lips. "You."

Hyunjin sputtered, almost coughing, "What?"

Moving forward Heejin kissed her, tasting red. Actually tasting, and enjoying it. Red melded with red. 

"You taste good." Heejin mumbled against Hyunjin's lips.

"I do?"

"Yes."

So Heejin moved forward again, kissing her harder, closing her eyes.

And in the darkness all she could see was red.

\- 

Hyunjin had been worried of course, but when she had Heejin earlier she had seemed fine. And now? She seemed much more than fine. She seemed happy. Hyunjin was happy too, especially when the girl pressed closer to her. Warmth surrounded her, as if she was covered in a blanket of sunlight. She shivered. 

This was perfection.

Not that perfection existed.

But if it did this was it.

The bell rang, clanging through her ears, unwanted. She groaned, pulling away.

"Great." 

Heejin laughed, "We have to go, we're gonna be late."

Rolling her eyes Hyunjin jumped up, watching as Heejin slowly followed. Hyunjin smirked, a plan forming. 

"Bye." She said, and then she kissed Heejin on the cheek, running away before the girl could respond. 

Hyunjin had always loved running, it was fun, it was free. She almost never felt free, she craved it. After all most people want what they can never have. They want to feel, to own something, but it's always out of reach. If they get it it's only for a moment. And this moment was filled with the feeling of freedom. From everything, and nothing. She reached the school building, and slipped inside, silent. 

...

Jungeun and Jinsoul walked up to Heejin, side by side. They had come up to her at school alone before, it was strange. 

"Jungeun is throwing me a party in 2 days, want to come?" Jinsoul asked.

"Why?" 

Jinsoul rolled her eyes, "Uh, I don't know, Heejin's my friend, and you two are like friends or something." 

Or something. "Okay, I guess I'll be there."

Jungeun handed her a piece of paper, "It's just a small thing, not like one of those extra coming of age movie parties."

"Sounds fun." Hyunjin looked down at the paper, it had the information about the party on it. 

Well, she thought, if Heejin is going...

Jungeun, and Jinsoul linked arms, walking away chatting about how epic the party would be. Hyunjin was almost looking forward to it. Who knows, maybe they would play games again. A repeat of last time wouldn't be that bad.

...

Haseul waved to her when she left the school building, and Hyunjin smiled walking up to her. 

"Hey, you want a ride home? I'm driving Vivi too." Haseul said.

Hyunjin tilted her head, thinking. Haseul, and Vivi were close, very close. What if Vivi had told her what she had noticed? 

"Haseul, did Vivi tell you something about Heejin?" 

Haseul blushed, "Is this about the whole kissing thing, because she didn't tell me that she thinks you like Heejin."

"Sure she didn't." Hyunjin said, rolling her eyes, "And my name is Son Chaeyoung." 

"Okay fine, she thinks you two might be, like, almost dating." Haseul's blush deepened.

Accurate. "Did she say anything else?"

Haseul shook her head "No, not really." 

Well, so much for that theory, Hyunjin thought, "I have to go." 

Slowly, she moved to the bus stop.

She would just have to find it out herself, the only problem was as observant as Hyunjin was she couldn't for the life of her figure out what was wrong. She was great at noticing something was wrong, but she could never figure out what. When that one girl Jisoo had been late to school everyday for a week, she knew something was wrong, but she didn't realize it was that she had to help her mother while she was sick. That was just a minor thing, this was bigger. And the bigger a problem is, the harder it is to fix. 

Why did she have to be cursed with being both clueless, and tuned in. 

It was so dumb. Why even have her notice something was off if she never knew what it was. 

Pointless. 

It was pointless.

Just like her.


	11. Party-favors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's party time.

Heejin waked through the door of Jinsoul's room, looking around, it was nice. On the smaller side, but cozy, warm. Jungeun, Jiwoo, Sooyoung, and Yerim were all pilled onto the twin bed in the corner, sitting on the edge, laughing. Yerim had really seemed to grow on her friends, she was warm, like a literal sun. Heejin liked her. Not as much as Hyunjin, but that was...complicated. She sat on the carpet floor where the other girls had lain. She ended up being sandwiched next to Hyunjin and Hyejoo, when the cat-like girl arrived. Next to Hyejoo lay Chaewon, much to Sooyoung's excitement. Haseul, Yeojin, and Vivi sat in the corner, a couple feet away. Heejin felt slightly guilty about how relieved she was that Vivi was sitting far away. The thought soon left her though when she realized that she wouldn't be watched as closely now. 

"Game time!" Jinsoul exclaimed, pushing Jungeun over to sit next to her.

Jungeun rolled her eyes at the girl, "What game though?"

Yerim's eye lit up, "I know, truth or dare."

Jinsoul clapped, a mischievous look coming over her face, "Yes."

Heejin sighed, Jinsoul was known for giving very weird dares, she wasn't even sure if they were extreme, they were just strange. 

"Jungeun, truth or dare?" Jinsoul giggled.

"Truth." 

"Borrrring, but okay. Who do you like?" 

Jungeun shrugged, "No one." 

"Liar." Jiwoo exclaimed, but one look from Jungeun shut her down quickly.

"Jiwoo, truth or dare?" Jungeun asked. 

"Dare."

"I dare you to kiss Sooyoung." 

Jiwoo pecked Sooyoung, blushing while Jungeun mumbled "Revenge." The sight made Heejin snicker.

...

The game was finally at Heejin, or maybe it was at Hyejoo depending on how you looked at it. Heejin felt slightly worried as the younger girl looked at her, and asked "Truth or dare?" 

She swallowed, "Dare." The truth was something that she didn't like to think about, it was to volatile. To much. 

Rubbing her hands together like a cartoon villain Hyejoo said, "Kiss Hyunjin." 

Rolling her eyes she responded, "Cliche." Then, she moved to kiss Hyunjin. It was more than just a peck, but not a full on make out. She pulled away, looking at the blushing girl, and thanked god that they hadn't eaten yet. Or rather everyone else had eaten yet. 

"Damn." Hyejoo said, "Are you sure you guys are just friends."

Hyunjin looked at her, "I'm literally right her."

Hyejoo shrugged, "I don't really care." 

"Truth or dare?" Heejin smirked. 

"Truth."

"How was the kiss?" Heejin surprised herself. I swear, she thought, maybe not eating is effecting my decision making skills. 

The blush deepened, "Good."

The room erupted into laughter, and she could hear Sooyoung whisper to Jiwoo, "Maybe I have a new ship."

...

Jinsoul carried a cake into the room. Heejin had forgotten all about that, maybe she would just have to be allergic. Yeojin dumped plates, and forks in the middle of the room haphazardly. It was carrot cake, with pecans. Perfect, a pecan allergy. She didn't have one, but they didn't know that. 

When Jinsoul handed her a piece of cake she shook her head, "I'm allergic to pecans."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Jinsoul said, looking sad. Guilt. But not enough guilt to compare to what she would feel if she took the cake.

"It's fine, I don't like cake anyway."

A small look from Vivi. Heejin could feel it burn into the back of her head, making her cringe. 

Hyunjin took a piece of cake eating some, "Mmm, it's good!" 

Heejin stared at the cake, she wanted some.

No she didn't.

No you don't Heejin.

Averting her eyes away she looked at the floor, ashamed of the thought. It was wrong.

Wrong.

-

Hyunjin was enjoying the party, although she was sad that Heejin hadn't gotten any cake. The girl had been more quiet than usual ever since the cake had been brought out, maybe she was feeling left out. Or maybe it was something else. Haseul fell onto her lap, jerking her out of her thoughts. Hyunjin looked over at Heejin, trying to see if she had noticed. She had. The girl hadn't said anything about it, and they weren't dating, but for some reason Hyunjin pushed Haseul off. Not in a mean way, just moving her over.

"You gave me a heart attack." 

Haseul rolled her eyes at that, "Yeah sure."

Yeojin waked over, pulling Haseul up, "Come on doofus." 

"Rude." Haseul exclaimed, playfully slapping the girl.

The two started playfully pushing each other around, and Haseul being much bigger than Yeojin knocked her into Heejin, landing on the girl's arm.

"Ow." The girl exclaimed, making Hyunjin wince. 

Yeojin jumped up, "I'm so sorry!"

"It-it's fine." Heejin said, moving her arm over.

"Is it broken?" Hyunjin asked.

Heejin shook her head, "I think it is going to bruise though." 

"Maybe we should get some ice." Hyunjin said, wondering why the girl bruised so easily. 

...

Hyunjin held an ice back to Heejin's arm, a bruise covered almost the entire front of it. She had never seen someone bruise so bad from something so little, and she played a lot of sports. All of the bruises she had seen that were this big were from some big accident, not someone bumping into you to hard. Haseul was frowning, looking like she thought it was all her fault. Hyunjin thought that maybe the bruising was not entirely from the accident's fault. Of course the bruise was from the accident, but the reason why it was so bad was something else. She wanted to throw something across the room out of frustration, what was wrong with Heejin? She needed to know. She couldn't help but think it was right in front of her. It probably was.

Gears moved in her head, but nothing clicked. Or maybe she just didn't want anything to click. Maybe she preferred it when she didn't know the truth. Secrets were often kept for a reason, what if the truth was to hard for her to bare? The truth was often cruel, and if there was one thing Hyunjin couldn't deal with it was bad things. It was absurd to say, but she simply had no ability to cope. She often avoided things that could hurt her, but how could she avoid Heejin. She couldn't. She would just have to get hurt, and find out the truth. 

Sadly just saying that she would do something did not mean it came into fruition. 

At least not yet.


	12. Bruises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heejin's day is both good and bad, it just depends on what she believes.

Pulling the sleeve down on her arm covering her bruises Heejin moved into the school. It was Monday, the day the project was due. Hyunjin and her had finished the day after the party, and she was both relieved to be done and worried about whether she would see Hyunjin anymore. Heejin put on a fake smile in case anyone was watching, and sat down at her desk in English class. Of course you will still be friends Heejin, she told herself.

As long as she doesn't find out. 

The thought made her cringe, sometimes she wasn't sure if the voice was her or not. She liked to call it The Other Me, capitalized like a name, her but not. She didn't know what it was. She wanted them to shut up, but it was her. Or at least it told her it was.

Shut up Heejin! Stop thinking about it, she said. 

Heejin nodded to herself, Yes ma'am, she thought. 

Looking over at the door she watched Hyunjin walk in, smiling. She couldn't let her know, she would never smile after that. Not that it was a bad thing, she just needed to keep it a secret. They would still be friends, or whatever they were if she kept it, but if she told Hyunjin would hate her. Everyone would. She probably deserved it, but she didn't want it. Just keep the secret Heejin. Keep it. Keep it. Be a good girl. Keep it.

Her arm ached the bruises had faded a little, but they still hurt like hell. Her body took way to long to heal, she didn't want to think about why.

"Hey!" Jiwoo said "Earth to Heejin." 

She rolled her eyes. "What?"

"Did you finish the assignment?"

Heejin nodded, "Yep, and It's actually good." She had a history of doing a half-ass job on assignments, but it was just because she was so tired. She still got pretty good grades though, honestly she didn't think the teachers cared if she tired. In fact they probably just didn't care in general. 

...

She pulled Hyunjin over into a corner of the cafeteria, her voice muffled to everyone but Hyunjin by the noise. 

"Want to come to my house?" Heejin asked.

"Oh sure. Today?" 

"Yeah." Heejin said, happy. She had said yes, they were still friends. Friends? Okay, they were still something. Hyunjin had never been to Heejin's house, hopefully she would like it. 

Hyunjin's smile was big once again. "I'll meet you after school then."

Heejin flashed her a smile in return, and unlike with everyone else she gave her a real one. 

-

Hyunjin looked around Heejin's room, it was clean, almost too clean, like she almost didn't do anything in it. The only place that was spotless was her bed. She must spend a lot of time in it, not that that was weird, Hyunjin spent a lot of time in bed too. There was a bathroom in the back of the room, and in the front next to the door was a closet. The walls were bright pink, which was funny considering how sparse and dark the rest of the room was. It was like she used to match the walls and then she had changed, the room left as a hollow shell of her old self. Hyunjin giggled to herself, she was being absurd, the walls just happened to be pink. The room just happened to be sparsely decorated. 

Hyunjin walked over to the dresser next to the bed, "I like your room." 

"Thanks." Heejin said, smiling. "Whatcha want to do?"

Shrugging Hyunjin smirked, "I don't know." Her actions however did not match her words as she kissed Heejin. She felt a gasp hit her lips, and then a tongue dance over it. Skipping to the corner of her mouth. Their lips moved faster than usual, as if there was new hunger behind them. Hunger or passion. They feel onto the bed, and she looked up watching Heejin look down at her. The sight to the breath out of her. Then they started kissing again, hands moving over skin, under clothes. She could feel her shirt being pushed up, but she didn't care. She wanted more. More. 

Apparently Heejin did too.

She felt hands on sensitive skin making her whimper against hot breath. Her shirt was barely covering any of her now, she wondered if it made her beating heart easier to hear. She should ask what they were. Later. For now she would just kiss the girl harder.

...

Hyunjin looked over at Heejin, they had made out for about half an hour before her parents had come home from eating out on a date or something. And now? She was trying to work up her courage to ask what they were.

Her mouth seemed to be thinking ahead though as she blurted "What are we?"

Heejin looked at her, curious, she seemed happy because of the question. "I don't know, what do you want to be?"

"What do you want to be?" Hyunjin retorted.

A smirk. "Girlfriends." 

"O-oh, okay." Hyunjin stuttered, "I mean. Okay! Yes. Yes!" Yep, Heejin was as bold as always.

"Good." 

Hyunjin checked the time on her phone, "Well I guess I gotta go." 

They walked hand in hand to the door.

"Bye." Heejin said, kissing her lightly on the lips, once again leaving Hyunjin speechless. 

\- 

Heejin lay on her bed smiling. She rolled around, giggling to herself. She had surprised herself with that response, but for once her fuzzy brain had helped her. Speaking of her brain, damn it hurt. It was pounding. Honestly it angered her that she had to feel so bad when she was so happy. Something good had just happened so obviously she should feel good. Right? Bringing her fingers to her lips she tired to focus on what had happened earlier, but it was hard to focus when your stomach was interrupting you. She got up and went to the bathroom looking in the mirror. She hated what she saw. Before she could continue that thought though she noticed blood at the corner of her mouth. Had Hyunjin bitten her? She opened her mouth. Crap. Her gums were bleeding. She stuffed tissues into her mouth, hoping that it would get rid of the blood. It kept getting replaced, and eventually she just went to bed with tissues stuffed into her mouth.

The feeling of them in her mouth almost feeling like food.

Almost.


	13. Smiles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :)

"Why are you smiling so much?" Hyejoo asked, throwing a pen at her.

Hyunjin smacked her with the pen, "I just love English class so much."

"Sure you do, but really why?" 

"I may of gotten some good news yesterday." Hyunjin giggled, blushing at the thought of the previous night.

Hyejoo twirled the pen, "I'm gonna throw this at you again if you don't tell me what already."

"Fine. I'm dating someone." Her cheeks felt hot, and were probably bright red. 

"What?!" Yeojin exclaimed, startling Hyejoo. "Who?"

"None of your business that's who."

"Fine whatever." Yeojin said going back to staring off into space leaving her and Hyejoo alone.

Hyejoo smirked "I guess I'll just have too find out myself."

Hyunjin frowned, looking away. Why did she always have to get into these situations? A pen hit her back. 

"Hyejoo!!"

...

Sooyoung pulled Hyunjin over on her way to lunch. "Have you noticed something is up with Heejin?"

"You mean you noticed too?"

"Huh? I mean she's acting all happy. Like Lovesick." Sooyoung said, clueless like always. 

Maybe she was just being paranoid, if Heejin's friends didn't notice anything was wrong, then maybe nothing was wrong. "She seems normal to me."

Sooyoung didn't look convinced "Mmm. Sure."

Hyunjin shifted awkwardly, not knowing what to say to the girl.

"I think," Sooyoung paused "That it's you." 

"H-huh, no. No. It's not." 

"Yes it it." Sooyoung exclaimed, bursting with excitement, "It's you, she likes you."

Hyunjin shook her head, "No. No she does not."

"Well do you like her?" Sooyoung asked, being clueless again.

"It doesn't matter. Heejin. Doesn't. Like. Me."

"You didn't answer my question."

At that moment Heejin walked up to them, "Hey guys! Hyunjin do you wanna come to ya know with me."

Hyunjin nodded walking away with Heejin, ignoring Sooyoung screaming "What's you know?" behind them.

-

Heejin looked down at her hand in Hyunjin's, it was warm. She smiled. Smiled through the pain. Not that she was in pain. Okay, fine she was, but she didn't need to acknowledge it. The wind hit her hair, making it fly, and her shiver. 

"Are you cold?" Hyunjin asked.

You have no idea. "Yes." 

She watched as the girl took of her yellow sweatshirt and handed it to her. "Here." The girl said, her warm smile almost making Heejin feel warmer.

"Thanks." She pulled on the jacket, comforted by the softness of it. It smelled like Hyunjin, warm bread and perfume. 

They lay down side by side staring at the sky. The sunlight made Heejin squint and gave her a headache, but she wasn't one to complain. At least she was here with Hyunjin. She felt the girl shift next to her, moving closer. Heejin sucked in a breath, and turned to look at her.   
She watched as the girl took of her yellow sweatshirt and handed it to her. "Here." The girl said, her warm smile almost making Heejin feel warmer.

"Thanks." She pulled on the jacket, comforted by the softness of it. It smelled like Hyunjin, warm bread and perfume. 

They lay down side by side staring at the sky. The sunlight made Heejin squint and gave her a headache, but she wasn't one to complain. At least she was here with Hyunjin. She felt the girl shift next to her, moving closer. Heejin sucked in a breath, and turned to look at her. There faces were only an inch apart, and then they weren't. Heejin didn't feel cold anymore, especially around her lips. Hyunjin pulled her closer, moving her hands through Heejin's hair. The feeling made Heejin shudder. This was perfect. 

Perfect.

...

Heejin moved through the gym locker room, hiding in the back of it. She would be skipping class today. Her heart hammered in her chest as she heard the gym teacher stick her head into the room, and leave. She was in the clear. Cursing herself for coming to the class instead of just leaving campus for the period she sat down. Her head was spinning, she had felt so happy, but now she felt like she was dying. I mean maybe she was. Someone shouted near the door making her jump, but no one came in.

She needed to find a better place to wait out the class.

Slowly Heejin moved to the closet that for some reason was in the locker room. Honestly the whole school was a nightmare when it came to where the rooms were put. She closed the door, looking for the light switch. She flicked it on, making the room bright. Sadly, all she saw was darkness as she fainted once again. 

...

She woke up in an annoyingly bright room. Great the nurses office. How had they found her? She tried to move, but her bod hurt so much she gave up. If she wanted to repeat history she'd get a freaking' time machine. This time Hyunjin wasn't here, probably in class or something. Had she seen her? Hopefully not. Heejin closed her eyes, groaning. She needed to get up! Slowly she started to lean forward, but felt a hand press her back down. Heejin opened her eyes. The nurse.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." The nurse said, "You had quite a fall."

So that's why her body hurt so much. She pulled up her shirt slightly, her stomach was covered with bruises. "Crap." She groaned.

"I'm gonna let that word slide since you're hurt." The nurse said in a failed attempt at a joke. 

"Why did I faint?" Heejin said.

The nurse looked at her, "Do you know?"

Of course the nurse wouldn't know why about what she was doing. "No."

"Okay." The nurse pursed her lips. "You're parents will see you soon."

"Do the other students know?" 

Shaking her head the nurse said, "You were found right before school ended by the janitor."

Oh. She had never been out that long. Maybe I should be worried, Heejin thought.

It's fine Heejin, she told herself.

It's fine.

Her mom walked in, jerking her out of her thoughts, and hugged her. "I'm glad you're fine honey."

Was she?


	14. Repercussions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'll be there.

Heejin's mother refused to let her go to school the next day, which infuriated the girl. She was fine, she didn't need to stay home, and she certainly didn't need more fucking soup. Honestly, this whole ordeal was a terrible, she just wanted to go to school. Heejin hated school of course, but she always made an effort to keep up appearances, and now that had been ruined. She had missed two days of schools (and been late) so close together, and couldn't help but think that everyone knew. Panic filled her, they couldn't find out, and by they she meant anyone. Slowly she turned over in the bed, turning to look at the wall. She would of gotten up. She would of. She could. She just felt sick. She was still well enough to go to school, she was. She was. 

Her head was swimming, and the wall had started to blur. Maybe she should just sleep. You can't eat in your sleep after all. Yes, Heejin, go to sleep. Sleep.

...

She picked up the spoon from the bowl of soup, putting it to her lips. She ate it, and then another, and another. No. What had she done?

Heejin bolted up in bed, her heart pounding. Not another of those goddamn dreams. Her head throbbed, feeling even worse than it had before she had gone to sleep. The knocking on the door didn't help. 

"Heejin?" Her mom called.

Her throat was dry, and she didn't want to speak. Instead of listening to her body she pushed ahead and said, "Yeah?" 

"Hyunjin is coming over in a bit." 

Hyunjin. Oh. Crap. "Ok mom." 

The second she heard her mother walk away Heejin got up, walking to the bathroom. She brushed her teeth, and washed her face. Hyunjin was coming. Then she carefully started to apply makeup. Hyunjin was coming. Finally she brushed her hair, ignoring how dry it had become. Her arm trembled as she moved it up and down. Her eyes avoided the mirror as much as they could, but she had to check to make sure everything looked okay. It did. Or at least that was what she thought. 

Slowly she wobbled towards the bed, crumpling onto it. She would just sleep till Hyunjin came. 

Heejin's breathing slowed, and so did her heart, but her racing thoughts did not.

...

Hyunjin waited outside the door as Heejin's mother knocked on the door. 

"Heejin can Hyunjin come in?" 

"Yeah." She heard Heejin call from inside the room.

She felt nervous, but also happy to see her friend. Girlfriend. She was still getting used to calling Heejin that. Hyunjin opened the doors, Heejin was sitting on the bed, she looked awful. Not awful as in ugly, or something negative. It was more weak. She looked weak. The worry returned, but she pushed it back. 

"Hey, how are you doing?"

Heejin coughed, "Fine." Hyunjin wasn't so sure she believed her.

"What happened?"

"I-" Heejin paused, as if deciding what to say, "I fainted again."

"Do you know why?" 

Another pause. "The flu or something." Heejin looked away when she said that, shifting uncomfortably. She was lying wasn't she. 

Hyunjin moved closer, and sat on the bed. "I feel so bad that you fainted." Heejin hugged her.

"Why would you feel bad it's not your fault?" The girl whispered against her shoulder. Hyunjin didn't know why she felt so guilty, but something kept telling her that if she had figured out what was wrong Heejin wouldn't of fainted. 

The two of them sat there for what could of been a long time or only a few minutes, and when they broke away from each other Hyunjin decided something. She would help Heejin. She would make Vivi tell her what she knew. And then...

-

Heejin stirred soup, and this time it wasn't a dream. She sure wished it was though. Sighing, she swallowed a spoonful of soup, feeling weak. Then for the second time that day she took it and flushed it down the toilet. Lying back in the bed she pulled the covers over her and let her thoughts engulf her. She missed Hyunjin, but she also didn't want to see her like this. She didn't want anyone to see her like this. How had she started this? She could barely even remember, it was all a blur. She would have to end this or it would end her. She knew that, but just knowing it didn't help. It wasn't that simple.

She wished it was.

She truly did.

-

Hyunjin knocked on the door, waiting for Sooyoung to answer. She would of gone to Vivi's but she didn't remember where she lived, she would just have to wait tomorrow. For now she would just question one of Heejin's closest friends. Although honestly for being one pf her closet friends Sooyoung didn't know much. The door opened.

"Oh. Hyunjin." Sooyoung said, looking surprised. "What are you doing here?"

"I have a question." 

Sooyoung rolled her eyes. "Well what is it?" 

"Do you know why Heejin keeps fainting?" 

Sooyoung rubbed her hands nervously, "I do have a slight idea." 

"Tell me." 

"You know we're not supposed to gossip anymore, I'm probably wrong anyway." Sooyoung whispered, shaking her hands.

"It will do more damage to not tell me." 

Looking down Sooyoung said almost silently, "I just don't want it to be true."

"Saying it doesn't make it true, it just helps whatever is wrong stop."

"You're right." Sooyoung looked at her, "She may not be eating sometimes." 

"Sometimes?"

Sooyoung shrugged, looking very worried "I don't know it may just be a coincidence. like I said I'm probably wrong." 

"Thank you." Hyunjin said, waving goodbye.

Vivi. 

She needed to ask Vivi. 

For now though there was nothing she could do until tomorrow. She tried to remember if she had ever seen Heejin eat. There was that one time in the nurses office, and she ate in class once. She might of eaten at the sleepover. Hyunjin scraped her memory for more times, she couldn't remember more. And all the times she had eaten it had been small bites, nothing more. It made sense. The fainting, how easily she bruised, how she got cold when it wasn't that cold at all. How could she of been so clueless? 

Hyunjin shook her head, she was jumping to conclusions. She needed to see what Vivi had noticed first. She had to act after she was sure, not before. It was just until tomorrow. It would be fine.


	15. Vivi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyunjin questions Vivi.

Hyunjin hadn't sleep all night, to anxious to relax. Sluggishly she moved towards the school, and walked through the doors.. She blinked, trying to focus, and looked around for Vivi. Lucky for her Vivi was always early, and was standing right in front of her by the door of the school. 

"Vivi!" Hyunjin yelled making the girl jump.

"What?" Vivi said looking slightly annoyed at being scared. 

"We need to talk somewhere slightly more private."

Vivi tilted her head, but nodded, so Hyunjin dragged her to the bathroom. Locking them inside a stall she stared at Vivi.

"If you're going to confess your love I'm dating someone." Vivi joked. 

Instead of responding Hyunjin blurted out "Is the thing you noticed about Heejin that she's not eating?"

Short deafening silence. The kind of quiet that's so empty it's loud. 

"Yes." Vivi said quietly, "It is."

"We need to tell someone." 

"It's probably fine." Vivi exclaimed, "Heejin's smart, she wouldn't do this."

"It's not fine, she keeps fainting, and did you see how she bruised at the party."

Another quiet whisper from Vivi. "Yeah." 

Hyunjin felt anxiety well up again. "We should tell her parents."

"It should be me." Vivi said. "I took to long to tell anyone, and she'll forgive me faster since we aren't close."

Hyunjin nodded. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

-

Heejin awoke to her mother knocking urgently on the door, yelling "Heejin!"

"What?" She mumbled into her pillow.

Her mom opened the door, and walked to the bed, sitting on it. "Heejin, honey, look at me."

Something was wrong. Heejin turned to look at her mom, she looked sad. Something was really wrong. 

Everything's fine Heejin.

"What's wrong Mom?" 

Her mother looked at her, obviously trying not to cry. "Honey, are you..." 

Heejin watched as her mother tried to say something. Her mind trying to find out what. Maybe she knows? No. How could she?

"Heejin, are you eating?" 

She knows. "Of course I am Mama." She tried to say it loudly, but it came out in a whisper. 

"Well can you eat something then."

"Yeah s-sure." Heejin stuttered. "Of course."

...

Heejin looked down at the apple in her hand. Why was it always apples? Her mom watched her, her stare burning into her neck. Slowly she moved the apple to her lips, and took a bite, and then another. Her mother started to smile in relief as the apple disappeared more and more. Finally, Heejin handed her the apple back, with barely anything on it but the core. 

"Well, that girl must of been wrong." Her mom said, practically glowing with happiness. 

Heejin looked at her, "What girl?" Hyunjin? Vivi? Sooyoung? Jiwoo? Maybe it had been Haseul after the bruising thing?

Her mom shrugged. "I don't know, but it doesn't matter now though." 

Finally after what seemed like forever, but was probably only a few moments her mom left. And Heejin? Heejin went to the bathroom and threw it all up. She actually hated throwing up, she only did it if it was absolutely necessary. And it was. She had to eat the apple to prove to her mom she was eating, but she couldn't let sit there. She couldn't let it stay there. Her stomach had hurt anyway, although she wasn't sure if it was because it wasn't used to food or if it was imagined. Silently she thanked whatever was out there that her mom's office was so far away from her room, and flushed the toilet. Ignoring her throat, one of the many reasons she preferred to just avoid eating. Throwing up did a number on your throat and she liked to sing, so she didn't need to risk it. Then again, she was risking things either way.

No she wasn't.

Everything's fine Heejin. 

-

If Hyunjin had expected something it wasn't this. It wasn't Heejin walking into school looking as happy as ever, actually she looked happier. Had Heejin's mom not believed Vivi. Had they been wrong? Doubts clouded her. What if they were wrong? Heejin would hate them. No, that's silly. 

"Hi!" Heejin exclaimed, hugging her. 

"Oh, hey." Hyunjin said, "How was your day yesterday?"

"Oh, it was great." Heejin giggled. 

Hyunjin smiled, everything was fine, "Well that's good." 

"Did anything important happen yesterday?" Heejin asked, looking at her like she was thinking about something else.

"Nah, not really. School was as boring as always." 

Another giggle. "Well that's great." 

Hyunjin took her hand, and they walked to class, but she couldn't help but notice Heejin's smile looked fake. It looked like what she gave her friends when she felt bad, or the teacher when called on. Most people thought it was her normal smile. Most people. But Hyunjin had seen the real one enough to notice the change. It seemed everything was not fine. 

... 

Hyunjin stared at the board, wishing she had gym instead of science. Being active would help take her mind of of Heejin. She looked at Vivi out of the corner of her eye, working up the courage to speak. 

"Vivi, did you tell her mom?" 

Vivi nodded, "We must of been wrong. After all she's here, isn't she?"

"I guess, I mean her mom could have not believed you." 

"No, she definitely believed me. You should have seen the look on her face." Vivi said.

"Well, I guess we got lucky."

Vivi turned to look back at the board. "Yeah, lucky."

-

Science ended and Heejin was dreading having to get up. She knew it was silly, and irrational, but her body felt like it would break into a thousand pieces if she moved. She had stayed still the whole class, worried about increasing the pain in her stomach. The bell shook her from her thoughts as it rang again, and she got up. Unsteady legs supported her as she made her way to the door. Unfortunately she never made it. Inky blackness started to attack her, and she closed her eyes, giving in. Her breathing slowed, and Heejin fell to the ground. Her last thoughts, well that's going to hurt. 

And it would.


	16. Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we are, Hyunjin will finally has her suspicions confirmed.

Heejin woke up in the hospital, her head, and the room, spinning. How did she know it was the hospital? Well, the white walls, and strangely comfortable bed all pointed to it being one. Her eyes fluttered closed, and she wondered why she was even here. 

Oh, right.

She had fainted.

Well if there was one way to get you sent to the hospital it was fainting several times. Her parents must be worried. She opened her eyes again, where were they? There was someone sitting in the corner of the room, in what looked like the most uncomfortable chair ever. They were asleep. Heejin moved up trying to get a better look, it was Hyunjin. Crap. Hyunjin didn't need to know about this, it would make her worried. 

Hyunjin shifted, lifting her head up from looking at the ground. "Heejin?"

"Uh, hi." She responded, not sure what to say about the whole situation.

"I'm so glad you're okay." 

Heejin rolled her eyes. "Yeah me too." 

She was going to say something else, but forgot what when Hyunjin hugged her. "It'll be fine." The girl whispered in her ear.

Heejin wanted to tell her it already was fine. 

...

Hyunjin had left for home, because apparently it was the weekend. Heejin was glad about that because she would of felt guilty about keeping Hyunjin from her studies. Suddenly, the door swung open, scaring the shit out of Heejin. 

"Mom!" Heejin exclaimed, "You can't just open the door like that."

Her mom said nothing, but looked at her with tears falling out of her eyes.

"Mom, it's fine. I'm fine."

Her mother shook her head "The doctor told me you've refused to eat since you've been awake." 

Damn doctors. "Mom I'm fine."

Again her mother shook her head. "No. No, you aren't."

Silence.

Her mom walked over to the uncomfortable chair, and sat in it. "I've called your dad, and while he is abroad for a business trip he wishes he could be here." 

Silence.

"And we have decided on taking you to ...therapy." Her mother looked at her as if it pained her. 

"I don't need therapy."

"Yes you do." And with that her mom left, her final words. "I need to go fill out some forms."

Therapy. 

Crap.

This was bad.

Really bad.

-

The next day, Hyunjin sat at the lunch table, thinking about what had happened. She had walked slowly out of class, planing to wait for Heejin. And then Heejin had fainted. Luckily only a few people had seen, Jiwoo, Sooyoung, Vivi, and her. Sooyoung, and Vivi had already suspected things, but Jiwoo was completely surprised at the fact that Heejin hadn't been eating. Hyunjin hadn't wanted to tell her, but Sooyoung had said that the two of them kept no secrets. She had also given the logical argument that Jiwoo would blab otherwise, and it was probably true, Jiwoo loved to talk. So here she was sitting next to Yeojin trying very hard not to panic. 

Clearly it wasn't working because Yeojin said. "Dude, you're gripping that milk carton a little hard, you good?" 

Hyunjin released the carton. "Yeah, I'm fine."

It was a lie, just like it had been when Heejin had said it.

...

Sooyoung walked up to Hyunjin after class. "How is she?"

"She said she's fine."

Sooyoung looked at her pointedly, "And is that true?"

"Probably not."

"Well, fuck." Sooyoung sighed, "I had no idea it was this bad, or I would of told someone."

"I know."

"You just- I just didn't want it to be true." Sooyoung said. "Is she still in the hospital?"

"Yeah, you could always visit her."

Sooyoung shook her head. "We aren't close."

"But you could be."

"Okay I'll think about it." Sooyoung whispered, walking away, leaving Hyunjin to wonder if she had misheard her.

-

Heejin looked over, to find Sooyoung walking through the door of the hospital room.

"Why are you here?" She asked, not meanly, she just wanted to know.

"Can't I make sure my friend is okay?" 

Heejin nodded, "Oh course you can." Maybe she had been wrong about them not really being good friends. Or maybe Sooyoung was just being nice.

"Why are you doing this?"

The question took Heejin back, Sooyoung usually didn't outright ask you about, well anything important. She preferred working behind the scenes. "Doing what?"

Sooyoung frowned at her. "You know what."

"I'm not doing anything. I'm fine!" Heejin exclaimed, she was sick of people asking her about this. She was fine. 

"You are not fine. You are in a hospital." Sooyoung said, quietly, making it so Heejin could barely hear her.

"I'm fine."

Sooyoung smiled sadly at her, "I hope you get better soon." Heejin then watched as she left as suddenly as she had came.

She was fine, she didn't need to get better.

You're fine Heejin.

...

2 days later Heejin left the hospital, glad to finally be away from a place that had practically shoved food down her throat. They had made her eat on the second day she was there, and it was not a pleasant experience. In fact she felt like a failure. Her mother looked over at her as they got into the car, preparing for the journey home. 

"Heejin?"

"Yeah Mom?" 

Her mom focused on the road as they pulled out onto the highway. "You'll start therapy soon." 

Fear, and dread filled her. "How soon."

Her mother frowned, "In 3 days, you need sometime to settle back into daily life first."

Her mom said that like 2 days was a lot of time. 2 days, and then she would be trapped. Her heart hammered, or it would of if she wasn't so tired. For some reason she felt like she would be sleeping those 2 days away. And for some reason she didn't care. Sleep sounded nice. 

The road bumped, jolting her from her thoughts of sleep.

How could she think about sleep? She needed to get out of this.

Somehow.

Although as they pulled up to her house she couldn't think of a single way to stop her mom that didn't involve completely unrealistic situations. 

She was fucked.


	17. New

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heejin prepares for therapy.

Heejin woke up in a cold sweat, she had had a nightmare, and for once it wasn't about food. In her dream she had walked into the therapists office, but no one had been there. Then the door had swung shut, closing her in, and the walls turned to glass. She had looked through the walls and seen her family, and friends, watching her, laughing at her. She knew it was a stupid, childish, dream, but it frightened her. What if everyone realized how cray she was, and left her. Or worse laughed in her face.

That's silly Heejin, you're not crazy. You're normal, She thought. 

Warily she looked over at the clock, it read 9:17. Her appointment was at 3:00 in the afternoon, so she had the entire day to worry. Great.

...

Her mother pulled her to the kitchen at around 11, trying to get her to eat. Heejin stared at her like she had the past two days, silently, waiting for her mom to yell at her. Her mom however never did, to her relief, and surprise. However, she did urge her to eat a strawberry, and so Heejin did. She could handle this, this was nothing. Sure, she felt guilty, but it was a small strawberry after days of not eating. It was fine. What wasn't fine was her mom handing her another one. She twirled it in her hand, and stuck it in her mouth, getting up to spit it out. 

Her mother somehow seemed to know what she was doing, and said. "Swallow before you leave."

Heejin swallowed, the strawberry hitting her stomach, making her feel sick. Disgusting. 

"Hyunjin is coming over." Her mom said, "I think it will be good for you to have a visitor."

Heejin nodded, and walked back to her room. She didn't know whether to be happy or worried, so her brain chose the latter. 

Hyunjin probably hated her by now.

...

Heejin looked up as Hyunjin entered the room, and sat down beside her with a small smile on her face. She had missed her, she had missed her so much.

"Hey Heejin are you going back to school soon?"

Heejin shrugged, "I'm seeing a therapist today, and she will tell me when I can go back." For some reason it was easier to talk with Hyunjin than anyone else, it always had been easier. 

"Well I hope it works out."

Heejin smiled weakly, "Me too."

"I'll be there for you no matter what. Okay?" Hyunjin said as if asking Heejin if she wanted her there.

Heejin smiled again, and this time it was more real. "Yeah."

-

Hyunjin looked at Heejin worried as could be. She needed to be there for her, but how? Suddenly an idea popped into her head.

"I can drop you off at therapy." 

Heejin sighed "That would be great, but you don't have a car."

"I can borrow Jiwoo's." 

"In that case, then I'd love it if you take me!" Heejin exclaimed, looking happier than Hyunjin had seen her in weeks. 

Hyunjin smiled at her, and wrapped her in a hug. Well, actually it was more of an embrace than a hug. Something she did to try to express all the emotions she couldn't talk about out loud. Hyunjin hoped Heejin understood.

From the small smile on her face it seemed as if she did.

...

Hyunjin pulled up to Heejin's house in Jiwoo's car.It had been pretty easy to get, Jiwoo was always happy to help. The only thing she was worried about was whether Heejin's mom would let her take her. And what if there was paperwork?

her worries faded though as she saw Heejin walk out of the house, waving her mom goodbye as if she was going of to worry. Maybe Heejin felt like she was. Hyunjin saw that Heejin was clutching some papers in her hands as she walked towards the car. Guess that was all she needed for the appointment. 

Her heart jumped, she just needed to be there for Heejin.

No matter what. 

Hyunjin smiled at the other girl as she got in the passengers seat. Heejin however didn't smile back, probably to worried to.

"Can you play some music?" Heejin whispered.

Hyunjin looked at her out of the corner of her eye, before focusing back on the road. "Sure."

A pop song filled the car, and Hyunjin bopped her head to the music, trying not to think about the future.

It would all work out.

It had to.

Trees flashed past them, as they drove to the outskirts of town where the therapist was located. Hyunjin could tell that the closer they got the more worried Heejin was. She tried to focus on the road, but at the stoplights, she would look over, and notice how tight Heejin's grip on the sides of the chair was. The music changed to another song, this one louder, so loud it started to drown out Hyunjin's thoughts. She needed to focus, for Heejin. 

This was simple for her. Just drive to the therapist's office, and drop Heejin off, but for Heejin it was much more complicated. She had to return, day after day. She would have to spill her darkest thoughts, and secrets to a stranger. Hyunjin couldn't imagine it. 

The car slowed, as she pulled it into a parking spot. 

And then they were here.

-

Heejin stared at the building as if it was her greatest enemy, dread filling her. Then suddenly, she felt a hand grip hers, pulling her from her thoughts. Thank god for Hyunjin. She smiled at her, and gave her a kiss on the check.

"Are you ready?" Hyunjin asked.

Heejin paused, not knowing what to say. "Maybe."

Hyunjin opened the car door, stepping out. "I'm here for you."

Heejin followed suit, stepping out into the windy afternoon. "I know."

It was time for her to go in. She rushed over to Hyunjin giving her a hug, whispering into her chest. "I'll miss you." And walked towards the door.

She gripped the cold metal handle, pulling it open feeling the air conditioned air hit her face, making her shiver. 

She would get better, for Hyunjin, but more importantly for her.


	18. Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end.

1 year later.

Heejin walked out of the therapist's office for what was probably the hundredth time, smiling as she was greeted by Hyunjin.

"I swear, one of these days you're going to get bored of picking me up." She giggled.

Hyunjin rolled her eyes, "I finally have my own car, and you want me to stop." 

Hyunjin had gotten a car a few months ago, a bit old, but a nice one. 

"It's a good thing you got one, Jiwoo would of gotten tired of us eventually."

"No, I don't think anyone could get tired of us."

Now it was Heejin's turn to roll her eyes. "Sure."

They got into the car, and Heejin turned on the radio, letting herself get immersed in the music. 

As much as she had dreaded going to therapy in the beginning, (so much that her mom had to drag her out of the house some days.) it had been a good thing. In fact, it had changed her life. She knew it was cheesy to say, but she felt truly at peace with herself. Obviously life hadn't magically become better, she still had bad days, but now she had many more days that were good. The most amazing thing of all though was that she could eat. It was such a simple thing. Most people would of found the idea of her struggling to eat unrealistic. Impossible. But she had struggled. Especially at first, she probably would of never been able to do it without her mom, or Hyunjin. Even Sooyoung, and Jiwoo had helped. 

She remembered going back to school after a few weeks, her friends pulling her over to sit with them. The only difference this time was that Hyunjin and her friends were there. After a few more weeks she had joined them at lunch, finally working up the courage to eat in front of several people. It had been baby steps. Slow. Unsteady. Important. 

Every time she had fell, Hyunjin would help her back up. And eventually she didn't need help, she could get up on her own. A year, it had taken almost a year. It had taken all her effort, mentally, and physically, but she was fine.

For once when she answered people's questions with 'I'm fine' she meant it. 

It was true.

A tear rolled down her cheek, and she brushed it away. 

"Are you okay?" Hyunjin asked, looking worried.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Heejin said, smiling. And she meant it. She did.

-

Hyunjin pulled up to her house, getting out to open the door for Heejin.

"Why are we stopping at your house" Heejin asked. "Is it a date?"

"I got you a present." 

Heejin smiled at her "Oh, thank you. I didn't get you anything though." 

"That's fine, just hurry up, I want to show it to you." 

Heejin laughed, getting up, and following her into the house. 

Flicking on the lights, Hyunjin picked up a box from the dining room. "Here."

"What is it?"

"You'll see."

Hyunjin smiled as Heejin opened the present, pulling out two silver rings.

"Don't worry I'm not proposing." Hyunjin said, "That's for later."

A blush covered Heejin's cheeks, "What is it then?" 

"A promise ring." Hyunjin said, blushing as well. "I know it's cringey, but I want you to know I meant it when I said I'll always be there for you."

Heejin grinned at her, slipping on the ring, putting the other in Hyunjin's hand. 

Once they both had the rings on, Hyunjin stared at her about to say something about watching a movie, but was stopped by a kiss. She never would get over the way Heejin's lips felt, light like a feather, but heavy at the same time. It was utter perfection. She knew that perfection was something everyone said didn't exist, but obviously thy had never felt this. When they kissed it felt like raw emotion, or rather one emotion. Love.

After all Hyunjin loved Heejin.

And Heejin loved her.

-

Heejin had never been able to get over Hyunjin's lips. She still wanted to taste them, even if she could eat. She loved them with a passion that was stronger than anything she had ever felt. She loved Hyunjin herself even more though.

They pulled away, and Heejin immediately missed the feeling of Hyunjin's touch. 

"I guess you should head back to your house now." Hyunjin said. 

"Yeah." She paused. "Or we could watch a movie."

A grin spread across Hyunjin's face. "That would be great."

Her heart fluttered as she took Hyunjin's hand, looking at the rings. They shone in the light, a promise glinting in them. A promise that no matter what Hyunjin would be there for her. 

And she knew she would be there for Hyunjin.

Forever, and ever.

...

Heejin awoke on the couch with her head on Hyunjin's chest. They must of fallen asleep watching the movie. She slowly got up, trying not to wake the other girl, but failed miserably. 

Hyunjin opened her eyes, groggily, looking at her. "Hey there."

"Hey."

Heejin got of of her, moving towards the kitchen. "It's a good thing I told my mom I might sleep-over at Sooyoung's, huh?"

"Yeah." Hyunjin said, following her.

Suddenly, Heejin felt herself encased in a hug. "You're so cliche." she complained, even though she made no attempt to stop the hug. 

"Yes I am." Hyunjin yelled, grabbing the cereal. 

Heejin smiled at her, what a dork.

...

They sat at the dining table, Hyunjin feeding her cat from it.

"You really shouldn't give your cat a cheerio." 

Hyunjin shrugged. "She likes it."

"Okay then."

Heejin went back to staring at her food, she still had some trouble eating, but it was much better now. She lifted the spoon to her mouth, eating it. Before she knew it the whole bowl was gone, and all she felt was pride. No guilt, no sadness, no anger. She was happy. 

After all, the longer she was healthy, the longer she could stay here. Listening to music with Hyunjin. Joking with each other, and talking for hours. Kissing, and being in love. Playing games with their friends that always ended with them being forced into doing something romantic. It had been nice before, but there was nothing to distract from it now. The joy flowed through her.

She looked up at Hyunjin. "Can I have another bowl?"


End file.
